How Empty Can A Movie Possibly Be?

I was more or less okay with Albert BrooksDefending Your Life (’91) and I’ll always adore the last 25 minutes of Warren Beatty and Buck Henry‘s Heaven Can Wait (’78). Because, deep down, I’m susceptible to this brand of romantic fantasy…fate, happenstance, eternal connections, etc.

But I would never so much as flirt with the idea of submitting myself to an afterlife romcom as obviously puerile and vomitous as Eternity (A24, 11.26).

Which youngish afterlife dead guy (Miles “don’t be a pervert, man” Teller or Callum Turner) should the also-dead-but-reborn Elizabeth Olsen choose for her eternal afterlife partner? Jesus, man…who the hell cares?

Imagine if 2001‘s Dave Bowman (Keir Dullea) had realized at the very end of Stanley Kubrick‘s 1968 classic, just he was about to transform into a cosmic star-child, that the only thing that really matters is somehow finding and hooking up with Pamela Byrge, a girl he was head-over-heels in love with in high school, etc.

It obviously required an extraordinary degree of shallowness and not even a glimmering of cosmic consciousness for cowriters Pat Cunnane and David Freyne (Freyne also directed) to dream up this crap.

I noted eight years ago that Turner has eyes like a northwestern timberwolf. This is still the case.

Pete Hegseth is Basically Walter Slezak’s “Willie” in Hitchcock’s “Lifeboat”

In Alfred Hitchcock‘s Lifeboat (’44), a German submarine survivor, Willie (Walter Slezak), admits that his crew shelled the lifeboats of a sunken British ship. He explains through Tallulah Bankhead‘s Connie, who translates his German, that they were “just following orders” to fire on the lifeboats, even though they posed no military threat.

“This admission sparks a hushed debate among the survivors about how to treat an enemy who participated in such a deplorable act.

“Ultimately, the survivors, driven by a combination of anger, suspicion (Willie is later found to have a hidden flask of water and food tablets that the others lacked) and a struggle for survival, savagely beat Willie and throw him overboard to his death.”

Political cartoon by Nick Anderson:

A Figure of Speech That Gives Me Indigestion

Make that two figures of speech, and both involving H20. I encountered them earlier today while reading a four-day-old Hamnet review, written by the Daily Beast‘s Chris Feil.

The deplorable terms are (a) “pool of tears” and (b) “puddle of tears.” I’m not saying that Hamnet‘s Globe Theatre finale doesn’t deliver a meltdown. It surely does. I’m saying that any and all allusions to pools or puddles of tears are verboten.

In traffic violation terms, writing “puddle of tears” or “pool of tears” is equal to drunk driving, or perhaps even hitting a pedestrian and leaving the scene with squealing tires and burnt-rubber smoke in the air.

Feil: “The first thing you’ve likely heard about Oscar-winner director Chloé Zhao’s latest film, Hamnet — before even predictions about its Oscar chances — is the degree to which it is leaving crowds in a pool of tears.”

Less than two seconds after reading this sentence, I was telepathically muttering epithets….”You shameless motherfucker…pool of tears?…you craven shoveller… you should be bitchslapped for that”, etc.

Let’s Cut The Shit, Shall We?

HE disagrees with 16 of Quentin Tarantino’s choices for the 20 best films of the 21st Century — the ixnays are in boldface, the agreements are underlined:

Agreements:

David Fincher’s “Zodiac” (No. 6)
Paul Thomas Anderson’s “There Will Be Blood” (No. 5)
Bennett Miller’s “Moneyball” (No. 18)
Woody Allen’s “Midnight in Paris” (No. 10)

Nay-nays:

Steven Spielberg’s “West Side Story” (No. 20)
Eli Roth’s “Cabin Fever” (No. 19)
Prachya Pinkaew’s “Chocolate” (No. 17)
Rob Zombie’s “The Devil’s Rejects” (No. 16)
Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” (No. 15)
Richard Linklater’s “School of Rock” (No. 14)
Jeff Tremaine’s “Jackass: The Movie” (No. 13)
Aharon Keshales and Navot Papushado’s “Big Bad Wolves” (No. 12)
Kinji Fukasaku’s “Battle Royale” (No. 11)
Edgar Wright’s “Shaun of the Dead” (No. 9)
George Miller’s “Mad Max: Fury Road” (No. 8)
Tony Scott’s “Unstoppable” (No. 7)
Christopher Nolan’s “Dunkirk” (No. 4)
Sofia Coppola’s “Lost in Translation” (No. 3)
Lee Unkrich’s “Toy Story 3” (No. 2)
Ridley Scott’s “Black Hawk Down” (No. 1)

HE’s Top 25 Films of the 21st Century:

1. Roman Polanski‘s J’Accuse, 2. David Fincher‘s Zodiac, 3a. Steven Soderbergh‘s Traffic; 3b. Paul Greengrass‘s United 93, 4. Alfonso Cuaron‘s Children of Men, 5. Spike Jonze‘s Adaptation; 6. Polanski’s The Pianist, 7. Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck‘s The Lives of Others, 8. Tony Gilroy‘s Michael Clayton, 9. Cristian Mungiu‘s 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days, 10. Todd FieldsIn the Bedroom, 11. Joel and Ethan Coen‘s No Country For Old Men, 12. Kathryn Bigelow‘s The Hurt Locker, 13. David Fincher‘s The Social Network, 15. Asghar Farhadi‘s A Separation, 16. Bennett Miller‘s Moneyball, 17. Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty, 18. David O. Russell‘s Silver Linings Playbook, 19. Martin Scorsese‘s The Wolf of Wall Street, 20. Steve McQueen‘s 12 Years A Slave, 21. Kenneth Lonergan‘s Manchester By The Sea, 22. Luca Guadagnino‘s Call Me By Your Name, 23.Ruben Ostlund‘s The Square, 24. Paul Schrader‘s First Reformed; and 25. Kent JonesDiane.

Nuzzi and Miller Tiptoe Around The Elephant In The Room…”Are Elephants Real or Mental Constructs?” … HE to Nuzzi: “Elephants Are Real But You’re Not”

A 16-Year-Old Actor Who Mostly Radiated A Steady, Settled, 30-Year-Old Vibe

Last night I indulged a kind of snide-attitude curiosity impulse by renting Walt Disney and Robert Stevenson’s Johnny Tremain (‘57), which I had presumed would be a simplistic, teen-friendly saga about Boston patriots in the 1770s (the Sons of Liberty, Paul Revere, John Adams, the Boston Tea Party, “the redcoats are coming!”, the first shot fired in Lexington) with the usual edges sanded off (i.e., standard Disney treatment) and a bit dumbed-down.

Well, it is all those things to a certain degree, but it’s not offensively dumbed down and actually applies a certain Encyclopedia Brittanica intelligence and offers basic respect for standardized historical “facts”.

Plus I instantly warmed to Hal Stalmaster’s performance as Tremain, a silversmith’s apprentice with a planted, straight-talking manner — a young, sensible-minded dude you feel you can trust. Only 16 during filming, the handsome Hal is certainly not playing some twerpy, emotionally effusive, pogo-stick kid. He’s a 30 year-old in temperament, but obliged to sound half that age by the Johnny Tremain requirement.

The 13-years-younger brother of legendary casting director Lyn Stalmaster (1927-2021), Hal never managed (or apparently sought) another lead role in anything. After playing a supporting role in Disney’s The Swamp Fox miniseries (Leslie Neilsen!) and handling some guest roles in TV series, Hal left acting in ‘66. He worked as a booking agent, and is still with us at age 85.

HE has a theory about why Hal Stalmaster never became Richard Beymer, the 6’2” hunk who played Tremain’s best bro and went on to significant fame in a few early to mid ‘60s films (including West Side Story and The Longest Day). I think it was at least partly because Hal was too short. He appears in Tremain to be Dustin Hoffman-sized.

Persistence of Idiots

There’s no reaching the God-knows-how-many-millions-of-woke-kneejerk-simpletons out there who agree with @alibrooke4ever.

Woody Allen haters are beyond the realm of reason and rationality. They are cultists living in a cave.

There’s a Grand Canyon’s worth of difference, for example, between SoonYi Previn having been his “stepdaughter” (imagined) and “adopted daughter of girlfriend.” Not to mention the 28 years of marriage that have transpired since Woody and SoonYi tied the knot in ‘97.

Ali Brooke could be ordered to read and re-read Woody Allen‘s 2.7.14 oped response in the N.Y. Times ten or twenty or a hundred times, and she would still say “no!”

The haters could be forced to read and re-read Moses Farrow’s “A Son Speaks Out” (5.23.18) and they would say “okay, Moses was right there in the house and all, but we’re not buying it!”

All hail persons of moral integrity and backbone like Scarlett Johansson.

Incidentally: Not that it matters all that much, but Woody’s Isaac character in Manhattan is 42, not 40.

Read more

Was William Shakespeare a London Tomcat? Was He a Kirk Douglas Kinda Guy?

As a successful playwright, producer and director of many respected plays, Mr. S was surely regarded by young women as an opportunity waiting to happen. In this respect he surely had the pick of the litter. “Will” was married with kids, of course, but those obligations were 100 miles away in Stratford-upon-Avon. Out of sight, out of mind. How could he have abstained, given his relative youth and all? How could he not have been Joseph Fiennes?

Does Anyone Even Remember “42”?

“Critics have a duty to be clear with readers,” Marshall Fine has written in a 4.12 essay. “Not to warn them, per se, because that implies something about relative merit. But to be clear or honest [when the case applies]: This is a movie in which nothing much happens. Or this is a movie in which what does happen doesn’t make a lot of sense. Or is deliberately off-putting or upsetting.”

I am one of the few critic-columnists who actually says stuff like this from time to time. But I disagree with Fine siding with the virtues of audience-friendly films, particularly when he uses Brian Helgeland‘s 42 as a sterling example.

“You know what an audience-friendly film is,” Fine writes. “It tells a story that engages you about characters you can like and root for. {And] yet movies that seek to tell a story that uplifts or inspires often get short shrift from critics. 42 is being slagged by some critics for being manipulative, [but it] happens to be a well-made and extremely involving story about an important moment in history.”

Wells response: 42 is okay if you like your movies to be tidy and primary-colored and unfettered to a fault, but it’s a very simplistic film in which every narrative or emotional point is served with the chops and stylings that I associate with 1950s Disney films. The actors conspicuously “act” every line, every emotional moment. It’s one slice of cake after another. Sugar, icing, familiar, sanctified.

One exception: that scene in which Jackie Robinson is taunted by a Philadelphia Phillies manager with racial epithets. I’m not likely to forget this scene ever. It’s extremely ugly.

Back to Fine: “The fact that 42 works on the viewer emotionally, however, is often seen as a negative by critics who aren’t comfortable with movies that deal with feelings, rather than ideas or theories.” There’s an audience, Fine allows, for nervy, brainy and complex films like To the Wonder, Upstream Color, Room 237, Holy Motors and The Master. But “all of those are not audience-friendly,” he states. “Most of them were barely watchable.

But if you read the reviews, you would find little that’s descriptive of what the movie actually looks or feels like while you’re watching it. Which, for a lot of people, was a negative experience in the case of those particular titles. “How many people saw them because of positive reviews that were misleading? How many might have thought twice if the review mentioned that, oh, well, this film is all but incomprehensible, even if you’ve read a director’s statement on what it means? Or, well, this movie has very little dialogue and takes a 20-minute break for a flashback to the beginning of time? Or this movie is about an inarticulate movie star caught in moments by himself during a movie junket?”

Wells response: I also think that critics should just say what it’s like to watch certain films. If a film is great or legendary or well worth seeing they need to say that, of course, but they also have to admit how it plays in Average-Joe terms and how it feels to actually sit through it. I’m not saying “nobody does this except me,” but who does do this? New Yorker critic David Denby strives to convey this, I think. Andy Klein does this. I’m sure there are others. But I know that it’s a clear violation of the monk-dweeb code to speak candidly about how this or that monk-worshipped, Film Society of Lincoln Center-approved film actually plays for non-dweebs or your no-account brother-in-law or the guy who works at the neighborhood pizza parlor.

Guys like Dennis Lim will never cop to this. It also needs to be said that “audience-friendly” is a somewhat flattering term. The more accurate term is audience-pandering. Pandering to the banal default emotions that the less hip, more simple-minded and certainly less adventurous portions of the paying public like to take a bath in. Because these emotions are comforting, reassuring, and above all familiar. That is what 42 does, in spades.