News reports indicate that an innocent gorilla died yesterday because an irresponsible mother was too distracted to properly watch her four-year-old son. The kid crawled through a barrier and fell into a 12-foot-deep gorilla pit at the Cincinatti Zoo, and was soon being carried around by Harambe, a 400-pound, 17-year-old gorilla. Fearing for the kid’s life, zoo officials felt they had no choice but to shoot Harambe. “It seemed very much by our professional team…to be a life-threatening situation,” Cincinnati Zoo President Thane Maynard said at a press conference. The mainstream news whores won’t say this (all they’re talking about is what a close call it was…kid saved from scary gorilla!), but the kid’s mother killed that poor gorilla. Okay, 85% her fault and 15% the fault of the zoo staffers who built a barrier that a four-year-old could crawl through without much difficulty.