An attorney friend tapped out this would-be Onion article this morning. He sent it to the Onion, and the editors blew him off.
“President Trump has peremptorily pardoned accused would be ‘Friendly Federal Assassin’ Cole Tomas Allen of all charges,” White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced today.
“The president felt it was the right thing to do,” Secretary Leavitt revealed, reminding everyone how the President had pardoned some 1500 January 6th rioters. “Many of them probably would have characterized themselves as assassins if given the opportunity,” the President noted, adding that “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”
Trump really feels he had no choice, Secretary Leavitt explained. “Mr. Allen believed he was being a good patriot, and that’s good enough for me,” the President told Leavitt.
“This is further evidence why President Trump is the greatest President in all of history…past, present and future,” gushed Secretary Of War Pete Hegseth. “He’s not afraid to do the right thing, also known as the Christian thing.” FBI Director Kash Patel said he agreed “one thousand percent…justice without mercy is tyranny. As we’ve seen time and again, this President doesn’t hold a grudge.”
The President consulted with former Vice President Mike Pence, who wholeheartedly agreed, said Secretary Leavitt.
The Onion has reached out to Vice President Pence for comment and received this response, through a spokesperson: “The President is batshit crazy, always has been. I don’t think Allen should be pardoned, but perhaps a Nobel Peace Prize nomination is in order.”