I saw David Slade‘s Eclipse (Summit, 6.30) at last night”s Manhattan all-media screening. Whoo, boy. The first wave of Eclipse commenters who said it’s better than New Moon didn’t lie — it is. Somewhat. But it’s still not good enough to matter. It’s a slow, boring, unimaginative, tediously written slog and is not — repeat, not — better than the first Twilight film.

It’s not “organic” in the slightest, as Indiewire‘s Anne Thompson recently said. It’s about a bunch of young actors with bad wigs and conspicuous vampire makeup standing around trying to look captivating and speaking stiff soap-opera dialogue and going through the paces because they’ve been well paid to do so. It’s Fake-itude Incarnate. It doesn’t groove or flow or put the hook in even slightly. Okay, it does here and there. I’ll give it that.

Some young women in the rear of the balcony went “whoo-hoo!” when Taylor Lautner and/or Robert Pattinson did or said something sexy with Kristen Stewart. I didn’t understand why because this movie is in and out, at best. And mostly out.

I have to protect you, Bella. Here…hop on my motorcycle. I can protect you better than he can. We can deal with the The Newborns. All you werewolves need to meet us in the forest so we can train for the coming battle. I’m gonna die and become a vampire. Mom? Don’t count too much on having grandkids. Feel my warm heart beating inside my naked muscle-toned chest. Edward isn’t even alive. My feelings are hard to express but this is kinda how I’m feeling…I think. Isn’t that what finally matters? What we feel, who we love, and…like, you know, how much money this movie makes?

Why does Bella even hang with Jacob, knowing as she does that it just tortures Edward? What is this ‘torn between two lovers’ shit when she doesn’t really want Jacob in the first place? Why am I polluting my intellect by even thinking about this stuff?

I’ve had it with the faux-creepy milieu, those forests, Jacob’s torso, those werewolves, Edward’s glistening skin and red eyes, Bella’s anxious expressions and her dad’s idiotic urgings that she hang out with Jacob instead of Edward, and the whole teen angst vibe. Do these kids know how bad this dialoge sounds? Have they ever heard of Search for Tomorrow, General Hospital, The Secret Storm, etc.?

I sat next to a plump, big-haired Latina mom and her similarly proportioned daughter. As soon as they arrived and sat down the mom asked what her daughter wanted at the candy counter and said, “Okay, be right back.” She returned nine or ten minutes later with two family-sized Twizzlers, two medium-monster popcorns, two extra-large drinks and a hot dog. I tried not to listen to the sounds of their eating.