I don’t necessarily agree with Emma Stone being honored as 2010’s Best Comedic Performance in Easy A, but I can tolerate the opinion. But imagine being genuinely convinced that The Twilight Saga: Eclipse was the best movie of 2010 on some level, and that Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson gave the year’s Best Female and Male Performances in that…God, that numbingly trite film! Jesus!

And if you weren’t genuinely convinced of this, imagine being willing to publicly and shamelessly declare this all the same on the MTV Awards. Imagine the green scum hanging in hunks and seaweed gobs on the stalagnites of your soul.

And imagine giving a Best Breakout and Biggest Badass award to Chloe Moretz for Matthew Vaughn‘s Kick-Ass while completely ignoring her even more breakoutty-badassed performance in Matt ReevesLet Me In….imagine how breathtakingly stupid and shallow you’d have to be to make that call.

And imagine what kind of corporate-kowtowing whore you’d need to be to dream up the idea of giving Ellen Page the award for 2010’s Best Scared-As-Shit Performance in Inception when all she did was nail that role in a professionally assured, get-the-job-done sort of way, and at the same time ignore her truly electric superhero-geek performance in Super because of the MTV Awards’ idiotic focus on 2010 films only despite 2011 being almost half over.

And imagine giving an award to Grown-Ups costar Alexys Nycole Sanchez for 2010’s Best Movie Line (“I want to get chocolate wasted!”). Which is especially noteworthy given that Grown-Ups was directed by the notorious Dennis Dugan, whom Slate writers Christopher Beam and Jeremy Singer-Vine have just named as the Worst Director Since 1985 according to the Rotten Tomatoes careeromatic. (Dugan’s average rating is 23.6 %.)

Imagine being genuinely convinced that Reese Witherspoon deserves the MTV Generation award in the wake of having given her two least interesting performances in her two biggest failures, How Do You Know and Water for Elephants. Witherspoon’s career peaked six years ago when she won the Best Actress Oscar for Walk The Line, and she gave her best all-time performance 12 years ago in Alexander Payne‘s Election. Wait…is the MTV Generation award one of those “we know you’ve made some bad choices but we’ll always love you regardless” type deals?


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Imagine being consumed by such sightlessness that you actually believe that one-note blondie Tom Felton gave a villain performance of any positive distinction in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1.

If I genuinely believed that these awards were reflective of even half-serious merit (Emma Stone’s aside) I would be truly be damned and covered with invisible blisters. I would stroll around and make good money and smile all the time and vacation in Cabo San Lucas and Portugal and have children and love my ex-wives and find mysticism in my 50s, and when I die little red-eyed demons in black cloaks would snarl and growl and swarm all over me and take me down to hell.