The Motion Picture Academy has invited 928 new people to join. Women will henceforth represent 31% of the membership, up 28% from last year. POCs will now comprise 16% of the membership, up from last year’s 13% tally.

If I were a senior member of the governor’s board, I would push for in-depth questionaires before final admittance. I would ask the following of all prospective new members: “Do you primarily regard motion picture theatres as (a) churches, (b) amusement arenas or (c) watching-and-texting salons?” If the prospective member answers “churches,” he/she would be admitted. If not, forget it.

Specific Tiffany Haddish question: “You’ve said you often decide which movies you want to see from what the women at your beauty salon tell you. Do you occasionally decide on your own? Do you ever read reviews or at least Rotten Tomatoes or Metacritic?” If Haddish were to answer “Rotten who?…Meta what?…my beauty salon girls know best!,” I would say “approve her membership!”

I would also ask Haddish the following: “If you’re again asked to announce the Academy Award nominees, would you consider trying to learn how to pronounce their names correctly before going on the air?”

Timothee Chalamet: “Last January you threw Woody Allen under the bus in order to enhance your standing with the #MeToo community, but have you since read Moses Farrow’s essay? If so, any second thoughts?”

Mindy Kaling: “Do you still feel that the views of old-white-guy critics should be regarded askance if they aren’t part of a focus-group demographic that a certain film has been made for? Should only critics who relate to target demos review this or that film?”