Trump: Help me, Jesus…help me vanquish my enemies and lend a hand. I mean, I won and they’re trying to steal it.
Jesus: You sure?
Trump: I won it all. Georgia, Florida, North Carolina…look at the map. A wonderful, glorious thing.
Jesus: But Georgia’s still in play, no? The Atlanta vote is being counted as we speak.
Trump: But they’re trying to steal Pennsylvania, and it’s mine. I won it and they’re crooked thieves.
Jesus: Is Philly counted? Not until Friday or Saturday, I’ve heard.
Trump: The Democrats are evil. They’re manufacturing fake votes and throwing my ballots out.
Jesus: What’s my name?
Trump: Jesus of Nazareth.
Jesus: Do you really expect me to step in and just…what, change your life with a wave of my hand?
Trump: It would be a good thing. The right thing.
Jesus: I don’t fix elections. I’m here to help you spiritually.
Trump: Can you get the Southern District of New York prosecutors off my back?
Jesus: I don’t do that either.
Trump: But I need your help. Or…you know, your guidance. I need to serve for another four years. I’m trying to fulfill God’s plan, as you know.
Jesus: You think?
Trump: The Evangelicals love me. They want me to strike down Roe vs. Wade. It’s my destiny.