Everyone knows there’s no such thing as mascara-wearing Jack Sparrow-type guys operating as 2010 pirates, right? My understanding is that they’re all scurvy scumbags. Which is why I’d love to see a movie about a crew of skilled, hard-core, well-funded mercenaries who roam the seven seas on a sailboat, looking for these bastard pricks. The idea would be to pretend to be easy marks (i.e., scared tourists, know-nothing nouveau riche) so as to encourage pirate attacks, and then when the pirates come aboard they fake ’em out and shoot ’em down like dogs. I would absolutely pay to see this. If not as a feature film then as reality series. What authorities would say “no, you can’t do that — pirates have rights and the Bible says ‘thou shalt not kill'”?