The other day HE commenter Bill McCuddy said he wants Patreon paywall posts to make him hard and wet. For $5 a month McCuddy wants thrills, backrubs, shocks, surprises, accelerations, sugar highs. He wants these posts to be the equivalent of visiting a water park in mid July or riding a pogo stick in the West Village or getting a Las Vegas strip club lap dance…okay, forget the lap dance as Bill is happily married. But certainly the HE equivalent of eating the most delicious greaseburger ever prepared in human history…a sizzling hot McCuddy burger, medium rare, covered in sautéed red onions, gently smeared with a dab of Russian dressing, red leaf lettuce, warm sesame seed bun…mouth watering, lip-smacking, blackened by flame!
McCuddy wants complimentary neck-wattle surgery, thrills, excitement, heavy breathing, face lifts…a feeling of being throttled into space or on some riveting journalistic adventure. He wants dance numbers, surfing contests, big waves, fast cars and motorcycles that rumble and grumble and go tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk-TUK-TUK! McCuddy wants HE Patreon posts to make him feel like sticking his head out of the passenger window at 85 mph like Al Pacino and going “hoo-hahhh!”
McCuddy also wants HE Patreon posts to give him a perfect neck massage plus a combination manicure-and-pedicure, but at a discount. He also wants HE Patreon posts to shift the cultural tectonic plates…he wanrs them to be an in-depth N.Y. Times Magazine piece about climate change, or a Michael Wolff Times piece about the likelihood of Donald Trump running again in ’24. McCuddy wants value, emotion, intrigue, suspense.
And he doesn’t want any old-hat stuff…no memories or reflections about things or trends that happened 10 or 20 years ago or eternal truisms about whatever…he wants THE NEXT BIG THING, and right now…he wants dry cleaning, expensive socks, stock tips, stock options, car tune-ups, limo rides, flights to Belize and Switzerland and Dubai…and he wouldn’t mind special discounted deals on high-end Bruno Magli shoes.