A two-week-old theatrical neck stabbing in Lancaster, California, was reported in today’s L.A. Times. A guy had complained about a woman talking on her cell phone during a 9 pm Saturday showing of Shutter Island at the Cinemark 22. The woman and two guys left the theatre, and then the two guys returned minutes later and stabbed the complainer in the neck with a meat thermometer.

What would Detective Columbo make of this? Let’s see….well, the first deduction would be that the assailants were blue-collar mongrels of some kind, possibly employees of a nearby California slaughterhouse or meat-packing plant. The assailants were probably young, and most likely of Swedish, Danish, Norweigan or German descent. They are also presumed to be highly educated, as most California meat-packing plant workers have either liberal arts degrees or business school diplomas.

The most likely motivation for the stabbing was to avenge the female cell-phone-talker’s honor, and particularly to teach the victim a lesson — i.e., that either girlfriends or sisters of Danish/Norweigan/Swedish/German men can talk all they want during a film, and anyone who vocally complains will have to pay the price.

The attackers are reportedly still at large. Anyone with information on the attack, or who is familiar with anyone from the Swedish/Danish/Norweigan/German community in the greater Lancaster area, is asked to contact the Lancaster sheriff’s station at (661) 948-8466.