Comedically-inclined talk shows are not a place to get down and share your hurt feelings. But if you’re going to appear on one and you know that subject #1 is not going to be the misbegotten Cosmopolis, you may as well man up and convey something of some interest…some indication of the color of your mood, some pithy banter. So what did Rpatz say to Jon Stewart last night when “the subject” came up? He shrugged and half-smiled and said, “I need to hire a publicist.”

Do you see now why he’s not such a good actor?

If I had been Stewart, I would said the following: “You know, you can’t be too demanding in this world. Nobody’s perfect. Everyone gets corrupted. We all make mistakes. I’m not alluding to anything specific, mind, but one way to look at it is this. If you were to get back together with a certain someone and if there’s, say, a 1 in 100 chance that somewhere down the road you might be the one to make a mistake…a brief dalliance that you half-succumb to and half-resist but it happens anyway, the kind of thing that you’ll remember with great fondness when you’re 87 years old but which you’re sorry for in the immediate aftermath…I haven’t been there but you probably have, right?…and if, let’s say, you get back together with a certain someone and that thing ever happens and you get busted for it, you’ve got this ‘get out of jail’ card that you can pull out of your wallet. Y’know? And she won’t be able to say a damn thing.”