This radio broadcast copy appears on page two or three of Lorene Scafaria‘s Seeking A Friend At The End of The World, which Scafaria will reportedly direct with Steve Carell and Keira Knightley costarring. Shooting begins in Los Angeles in May. I’m not convinced that the term “romantic comedy” quite describes it.

“Melancholia, [which is the name of] the planet, is kind of ten times bigger than the Earth, and I liked the idea of being ‘swallowed’ by Melancholia. I thought that was quite nice. And then I read today that that’s actually one of the virtues of romanticism — willingly being purified by dying. In fact, the film contains maybe more of the original idea of romanticism. I’m just saying that a lot of films today, their interpretation of romanticism is…quite boring, I think.” — director Lars von Trier talking about Melancholia with Empire‘s Damon Wise.

I’m always getting beat up for having an allegedly cavalier spoiler attitude, but I would never run the kind of spoiler piece that Movieline‘s Dixon Gaines posted on 4.17 — let’s at least be clear on that. I have almost no respect for Scream 4 and don’t feel from a reader’s perspective that Gaines’ article is that big of a deal, but I would never divulge a big third-act reveal this early in the game (i.e., two days after opening).

This morning Napier News’ Daniel Sarath reported that Great Britain’s Icon Distribution UK is still claiming (or freshly claiming) that they’ll open Terrence Malick‘s The Tree of LIfe in England on Wednesday, May 4th, or about a week or so before its scheduled “debut” at the Cannes Film Festival.

This despite a 3.31 statement from Summit Int’l senior vp marketing and publicity Jill Jones (which I ran that same day) that Icon “does not have the right to distribute The Tree of Life in the UK, as it is in default of its agreement.”

Jones added that “the matter is pending before an arbitration tribunal in Los Angeles,” so the only way Icon’s statement to Sarath could be half-legit would be if the LA tribunal delivered a decision in Icon’s favor.

I naturally wrote Jones and Icon’s Zak Brilliant immediately for confirmation or denial or a clarification of some kind. Brilliant didn’t get in contact with HE the last time this story was in play so one assumes he’ll continue to be a dick. But I’m presuming Jones will be in touch sometime soon.

Update: A Summit source said earlier today nothing has changed to her knowledge since Jones’ 3.31 statement. Then why would an Icon rep write such a thing to Sarath? Is he/she delusional or what?

From Sarath’s story:

“Icon previously announced the early release date several weeks ago to Empire Magazine, however, Fox Searchlight, who own the rights to the movie’s Stateside distribution, claimed the statement was entirely false.

“Fox have continuously stated that the premiere at Cannes in mid-May will be the film’s first official screening.

“Jeff Wells from Hollywood Elsewhere, furthermore, got in touch with Jill Jones of Summit International, who were film’s sales agent, and she told him:

“‘The information regarding the May 4th U.K. release is incorrect. Icon Film Distribution Ltd. does not have the right to distribute The Tree of Life in the U.K, as it is in default of its agreement. The matter is pending before an arbitration tribunal in Los Angeles.’

“As a result, there has been widespread confusion in the UK as to whether they’ll see The Tree Of Life any time soon should there be a legal battle or conflict between the distributors. Some have even speculated whether it’ll even get a release at all.

“Nevertheless, despite the aforementioned claims that Icon has no authority, there will be an arbitration tribunal and the people of Cannes will have the first taste of Terrence Malick’s newest epic, Icon responded to one of my numerous emails today and simply said these 6 words: ‘Hi Daniel, We release May 4th.’

“So it’s confirmed: The UK WILL get The Tree Of Life before the rest of the world!”

I ran this eight years ago in the old HE Movie Poop Shoot column:

Guy #1 has just walked into a convenience store, only to notice that Guy #2 is lying on the floor next to the cash-register guy, who’s obviously not the cash-register guy but some hot-head thief who just happened to be ripping off the store. Guy #1 doesn’t want anyone to get hurt, so when he spots Guy #2…

Guy #1: Oh, Jesus, don’t shoot him. Please. Don’t…

Hot-head thief pulls a gun on him.

Guy #1: Let me tell ya, there’s a crime scene right down the block. You shoot, they’ll hear. Please… you want the money? Just take it. Go out the back. Did you take it yet?

Guy #2 (mockingly): “Did you take it yet?” Jesus Christ…

Hot-head thief: Shut up!

Guy #1: You want the money? You want the money? Just, here…

He deftly causes cash register to open with left hand, and thief puts the cash in his pockets.

Guy #1: You smoke? Whaddaya smoke? Huh? Take some cartons here. You like some candy?

Guy #2: “Do you like candy?” Why don’t you give him a fucking back rub while you’re at it?

Hot-head thief: I said shut up!!

Guy #1: [to thief, pleading] Please, go out the back. Ya gotta go now. Go out the back. You gotta go quiet. Please. You can make it. Ya gotta go now, though.

Guy #2: Call him a cab, huh??

Hot-head thief: [to Guy #2] Get the fuck up! [Guy #2 gets onto his knees, staring straight at thief.]

Guy #1: Please… please.

Guy #2: [to Guy #2] Do you like Rice-a-Roni? How ’bout a nice Diet Sprite?

Guy #1: I’m tellin’ ya, they’re right down the block!

Guy #2: [To thief ] Hey!?

Guy #2 spits into thief’s face. Thief hits him in the head with gun butt, runs out the back door& gone. Guy #1 starts in direction of back door, then turns and looks at Guy #2.

Guy #1: Are you okay?

Guy #2: [Pure contempt] Fuck off.

Guy #1: [heading toward rear of store] Call 911. Tell them police officer needs assistance.

Guy #2: [Incredulous] You’re a cop?

Name the film, the year of release, the director, the screenwriter[s], and the actors who played Guy #1 and #2.

The only emotional plug-in I’m getting from the just-announced Cannes Critics Week selections is the inclusion of Jonathan Caouette‘s Walk Away, Renee — a doc about Caouette’s schizophrenic mom, Renee Leblanc. I’m one of many who admired Caouettte’s autobiographical Tarnation, and one of those who interviewed him at the May 2003 Cannes Film Festival.

Seven feature films will comprise the main Critics Week selection along with four special screenings and ten shorts. I gather I’m supposed to take special notice of Jeff Nichols‘ Take Shelter, which I naturally missed at Sundance 2011. There’s also My Little Princess, the directorial debut from actress Eva Ionesco toplining Isabelle Huppert. And…?

Earlier today I was sent a seven-year-old Coen Bros. draft of Gambit, and I’m guessing it’ll probably end up being reasonably close to the shooting version because the Coens don’t usually write sloppy-ass, not-quite-there, tossed-salad first drafts.

A remake of the 1966 Ronald Neame film, the Coens’ Gambit will reportedly costar Colin Firth and Cameron Diaz in the Michael Caine and Shirley MacLaine roles. CBS Films will distribute.

If I was looking to present a genuinely favorable impression of an about-to-open 20th Century Fox film, I probably wouldn’t run top-of-the-ad quotes from Fox TV’s Jake Hamilton (out of Houston) and Fox TV’s Kevin McCarthy (out of Washington, D.C.), who are basically affable junket guys. I would have led instead with the blurb by MSN’s James Rocchi (“a gorgeous romantic tale full of live, love and beauty”), who brings top-tier cred and integrity.

From today’s N.Y. Times.

Water for Elephants opens on Friday, 4.22. It’ll screen on Wednesday.

I’ve been hearing for years about technology that can break down the sound of a person’s voice into an array of vowels and consonants and digitally assemble them and make that “voice” say anything. I was hearing about this 15 or 20 years ago. Roger Ebert’s talking “Alex” is cool for what it is, but he needs to sound like himself. There are thousands of hours of tape of him talking. It can’t be that hard.

Since buying an iLIVE sound bar for $130-something and hooking it up to the 50″ Vizio, I’ve been very pleased by the added volume and the increased bass and treble tones. Then it suddenly hit me last week that the Bluray sound is ever-so-slightly out of synch. The sound arrives just a tiny bit late. People’s lips move a split second before you hear them speak, and it’s terrible.

Once you’re attuned to this tendency it becomes impossible to watch a film. All you can do is study lip movement.

So I unplugged the soundbar and it appears that without it the problem has reversed itself. The TV-speaker sound, generated by a Samsing Bluray 5700, is now arriving a split-second early — you hear the word and a half-instant later the lips move. Am I losing my mind? Maybe I am. I know for sure that this problem is pushing me in that direction.

I called the Samsung tech people and was promised that some guy would call back to help with a download that might fix things. Then I called a freelance tech guy and he said it’s probably the the fault of the soundbar and the cords connecting the soundbar to the TV output jacks. And that the cost of fixing things would be about $350 or so, and that’s just equipment.

The cords are probably analog, he said, and that slows down the sound transfer by just a bit. He said I need to use a fibre optic cable made by Toslink. And I’m going to have to get a Vizio soundbar with a wireless woofer, which will understand the impulse from the Vizio TV much better than that piece-of-shit iLIVE model.

Thank you, God. Thank you, life-in-2011. Thank you, iLIVE and the Radio Shack guy who sold it to me. Thank you all and fuck you all.

Variety‘s Richard Kuipers, filing from Sydney, has given Kenneth Branagh‘s Thor a half-pass, at least in terms of satisfying primitive action-flick criteria. I’m sure I’ll find reasons to hate it — where there’s a will there’s a way — but the possibility has been raised that Thor may be at least semi-tolerable.

The Paramount release is “neither the star pupil nor the dunce of the Marvel superhero-to-screen class,” Kuipers writes. “[It] delivers the goods so long as butt is being kicked and family conflict is playing out in celestial dimensions, but is less thrilling during the Norse warrior god’s rather brief banishment on Earth,” and will therefore “face a tougher time attracting viewers for whom this type of fare is the exception rather than the rule.

“With Aussie hunk Chris Hemsworth impressive in the lead and Branagh investing the dramatic passages with a weighty yet never overbearing Shakespearean dimension, pic [will] face a tougher time attracting viewers for whom this type of fare is the exception rather than the rule.

“As the living actor and director most closely associated with Shakespeare, Branagh may seem a surprise choice for such material. A childhood reader of the comics, he brings a fan’s enthusiasm and his skill as an actor’s director to the table here. Fitting Hemsworth out with a classical but never pompous British accent and shooting emotionally charged sequences with elegant simplicity, Branagh succeeds in rendering his mythological characters deeply human.

“While no fatal missteps are taken along Thor’s path to redemption, pic has a slightly choppy feel, as if it’s trying to squeeze an origin tale and at least part of its sequel into a single entity. Most of the material motors along just fine, though the editing occasionally seems a bit too hurried in moving from one dimension to the next. An extra reel of Earth-bound story might not have gone astray.”

The 3D pic runs 113 minutes.