…that no one has seen, and which none of the hip know-it-alls were voting for on their ballots, has won for Best Foreign Language Film. The Secrets in Their Eyes or words to that effect.

The Cove, The Cove, The Cove…they gave the Best Feature Doc Oscar to The Cove! And Fisher Stevens ate up all the thank-you time. How dare the orchestra kick Louise Psihoyos and Ric O’Barry off before they’ve spoken. But they did.

And The Hurt Locker has won for Best Editing….another favorable omen. As Jett just said in a text, “The writing’s on the wall.”

“If you want to be creative, go out there and do it — it’s not a waste of time!”

Avatar wins for Best Visual Effects….knock us over!

I’m not going to remember those who’ve been left out, so if anyone can post them. They always blow people off. Jean Simmons, David Carradine. “Zapata, in the name of all we fought for, don’t go!”…Joseph Wiseman! Michael Jackson gets two and a half seconds.

Everyone in my room is hating on the haughty Sandy Powell, the Oscar-winning costume designer for The Young Victoria. She’s cool, I get her, think I understand — but she erred, I’m afraid. “I already have two of these…”

And The Hurt Locker sound mixer and editors, particuarly Paul J. Ottosson, have won! Ray Beckett! Another sure omen that the Best Picture Oscar is theirs.

“Jim Cameron…this Oscar sees you.,..clearly, your vision is so deep”…cancer recovery…”we really felt that…that you so much.” Waterfalls of emotion. Okay.

I was moved by her closing her eyes and holding still for a second or two before getting up to take the stage, and her bows. “I’d like to thank the Academy for showing it can be about the performance, and not the politics.” D’ja hear that, Tom O’Neil?

…for Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner for Up In The Air. Instead…wait, Geoffrey Fletcher unexpectedly wins the Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar? First major surprise of the night. Stop sniffling! Sniffling is inexcusable! Steve Martin: “I wrote that speech for [Fletcher].” My ballot is so fucked at this point. Four wrong! Forget it.

I would give the Best Makeup Oscar to Il Divo, but that’s me. Stiller steals the show. Good fishing rod joke. Star Trek wins, natch. Picked it. A staff of 40? Honorable mention of JJ Abrams.

The short film awards are a disaster for me, choosing-wise, ballot-wise. People are going “what…what? Who’s that red-haired woman?” Give all the short-film people the hook? Send ’em down the chute?

92Y Tribeca Oscar party tablemates (l. to r.): Movieline‘s Stu Van Airsdale, Icarus Films marketing/publicity chief Sylvia Savadjian, Coming Soon‘s Ed Douglas, filmmaker Jamie Stuart.,

…for Best Original Screenplay means The Hurt Locker is definitely going to win Best Picture. Right? A current, foreshadowing, whatever.

Of course. Fine. Tarantino ass-sucking. Way to go. Whatever. Wait…Up wins for Best Animated Feature? Big shocker. Baldwin and Martin are brilliant. And Crazy Heart‘s “The Bloated 57 Year-Old Jowly Kind” wins for Best Song? Got that right.