My immediate reaction: “Village People alternate circa 1979.”

This absurd TikTok fantasy reminds me of an actual, real-life infidelity episode. Or so I was told by a friend of Gerry Seitz, a Connecticut guy I knew and palled around with way back when. Gerry didn’t pass it along first-hand, but I believed the story then and I believe it now. (Partly because I want to believe it, I suppose.). True or false, I’ve never forgotten it.

It happened in the early to mid ’70s, somewhere in Southern Florida (Ft. Lauderdale, Hollywood, Boca Raton). A college grad, Seitz was working part-time in construction, and he was having an affair with the extremely hot wife of a co-worker (or a friend of a co-worker, something like that).

No dates, no motel assignations — Gerry would occasionally visit the unemployed wife at home around lunch hour or the early afternoon, and then, just to be safe, skedaddle around 3 or 4 pm. Hubby was usually home by 6 or 6:30 pm.

You know how this goes. Gerry and the wife were in bed around 3 pm when they heard the sound of a car outside, the jingle of keys, the front door opening, etc. It happened too quickly for Gerry to manage an escape. He tossed his clothes and footwear under the bed and slipped buck naked into the bedroom closet.

The husband walks in, a bit surprised to find his wife under the covers with (what is that?) a certain aroma in the air. She says something about wanting to take a shower or a sudden urge to take a nap…whatever comes to mind. Turned-on hubby gets flirty and handsy and takes off his T-shirt. The guilt-stricken wife feels she has no choice but to respond.

Gerry, listening from the closet, is quietly freaking. He figures it would have been one thing if the husband had walked in on him and the wife — an alarming trauma that probably would have turned violent. But the husband’s reaction would be much more ferocious, Gerry was imagining, if he discovers Gerry in the closet after he and the wife have had sex. The guy might shoot him if that happens.

Gerry is weighing the odds, sweating it out and struggling to stay as silent as possible. Before the husband and wife start to actually do it, Gerry decides he can’t stand the tension and opens the closet door and announces himself, dangling schlong and all…”I’m really sorry and I’m leaving.” Husband freaks, strong words, slaps and fisticuffs. But at least Gerry didn’t get shot.

Posted on 12.24.17: Remember those dim-bulb Academy members who harangued Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio after that first Wolf of Wall Street Academy screening because they didn’t get the satirical thrust behind all the coarse vulgarity (which was delivered both literally and within “quotes”)? And how Scorsese and DiCaprio had to attend screening after screening and patiently explain that they were depicting the louche adventures of Jordan Belfort and his cronies to make a point about the character of the buccaneers who have fleeced this country and will definitely fleece again? Remember the brief shining moment of Hope Holiday

A message from Vice Chair @RepLizCheney about Thursday’s hearing. pic.twitter.com/SsnOOEnyVq

— January 6th Committee (@January6thCmte) June 14, 2022

Tom Hanks to N.Y. Times interviewer David Marchese:

Another 2022 taboo: No major-league black actor (someone as big now as Denzel Washington was in ‘93) would agree to play a homophobe today. Too much negative signaling as everyone knows about real-life homophobia among blacks (just ask Pete Buttigieg) and therefore guaranteed antagonism from gay community. Am I wrong?

Let it never be said that Baltimore-based Daily Beast contributor Kyndall Cunningham is any kind of woke pronoun dilletante. She is in fact totally hardcore, and not just in her sentences but her headlines.

The latest example is a Cunningham/Beast story about poor, crazy Ezra Miller, who’s been flaming out for a while now. Here’s the headline:

My first response was “yo…brave Kyndall!…set the standards, blaze a trail!” Would the N.Y. Times, the Washington Post or the Daily Guardian run such a headline? Perhaps not, but this shouldn’t be Kyndall’s concern. For she appears to be the first woke soldier over the wire, our very own Sgt. Alvin York…clenched teeth, fixed bayonet….Ezra Miller is not only non-binary, but he may contain multitudes…he’s a community of souls within a single body…aarrggghhh!

The last time HE considered Cunningham’s history-altering use of woke gender pronouns in a news story was just over two months ago (4.8.22). In an article called “Pronoun Monsters on Maple Street,” I went into cardiac arrest over a Cunningham sentence written for a Daily Beast piece about Miller’s shenanigans.

Here’s the sentence:

HE reaction: I know this sounds abrupt but all of a sudden the pronoun thing — a re-ordering of the English language due to political activism on the part of one-half of 1% of the population, and driven by an attempt to show respect and establish boundaries that will benefit the ambiguous gender-fluid community — strikes me as fundamentally INSANE, or at least in this context.

Say it loud and proud: We cannot and must not use they/them to refer to an individual and a group of people within a single sentence.

Let’s not forget how Cunningham hit the roof last March when Power of the Dog director Jane Campion praised Venus and Serena Williams in the wrong way at the Spirit Awards. Nobody outside of Cunningham’s deranged woke enclave gave a shit, but she sure flipped out!

Posted today (Tuesday, 6.14) by the Washington Post’s Max Boot. I’m wondering if this has been Attorney General Merrick Garland‘s chickenshit plan all along — to do nothing and let the Jan. 6 committee reiterate the obvious case and then step in after it finishes.