Name Another Popcorn Noir Fantasy About Losing

Posted on 5.28.21: “Chris Gore asserts that one of the main reasons that The Empire Strikes Back is the greatest Star Wars film ever made is because it doesn’t blow anything up at the finale.

“HE has long maintained that Episode 5 is actually a film noir — an action-and-thrills chase film about (a) losing, (b) forebodings of dark destiny and (c) in the end being badly beaten.

“A well-constructed, crackerjack flick in which the bad guys always have the upper hand and the good guys are constantly running and hiding and dodging laser bullets, and in the end they’re battered and bruised (minus a hand, carbon-frozen) with their asses totally kicked.

“No other fantasy adventure flick has ever embraced the noir aesthetic like The Empire Strikes Back. It’s basically about ‘you can run but you can’t hide from the Empire…try as you might and brave as you might be, a happy ending is not in the cards for you guys…not this time.”

Not Funny, Don’t Get It

Humor has to be simultaneously accessible to the dumbest sector of the audience, and at the same time enjoyed by the sharpest and most ahead-of-the-curve tools in the shed. Fuxley covers are satirical but not nonsensical. So what’s the idea here? The horse has been ramming the flannel-shirt guy and is now suspicious that he’s being cheated on with the guy and the dishy blonde about to have a little hey-hey in the hayloft? If that’s not it, I’m honestly stumped as to what the title could mean.

Still Not Understanding Chappelle Attack

Why did Isaiah Lee, 23, attack Dave Chappelle the other night? Rolling Stone is quoting his 31 year-old brother, Aaron Lee, who says, almost anecdotally, that Isaiah “has been in and out of Los Angeles homeless shelters for the past decade and struggles with mental illness.”

Aaron added that Isaiah “doesn’t have any type of animosity toward [Chappelle] that I know about…it could have definitely been a factor, but I really don’t know.”

HE to Taunting, Piss-Spray Readers

I’ve just been through a grueling moving period, and it hasn’t ended yet.

Attending to endless details and packing endless boxes in WeHo and taking them to the post office, sending the VW Passat back east on a big hauling truck, and then flying with Anya and a wailing Katya on an Alaskan Airlines red-eye last Tuesday night, and without a wink of sleep.

My system was knocked flat by this. Now I’m consumed by unpacking. Fatigue, lack of mental focus, sudden nap attacks.

Try doing all this crap and see how productive you are with a daily column, ya pricks ya.

That aside, I’ve been genuinely terrified of sitting through Everything Everywhere All At Once, and I’m certainly not paying good money to see it. (No streaming options as we speak.) Plus I would rather shove razor-sharp Exacto knives into my eyes rather than see the new bullshit Dr. Strange flick.

I apologize for not seeing Vortex, the latest Gaspar Noe which screened in Cannes last July but has only just shown up theatrically. (There’s no trusting the 90% Rotten Tomatoes score, of course.) I’ll catch it this weekend in Manhattan.

The next significant screening will be Top Gun: Maverick, on the morning of Tuesday, 5.10. I leave for Cannes on Sunday, 5.15.

Langella to #MeToo Mafia: “Thanks, Guys!”

In a letter sent to Deadline and posted today (5.5), Frank Langella has expressed profound gratitude to the Millennial actress who not only got him fired from the Netflix series The Fall of the House of Usher, but has all but terminated his career because of a complaint about inappropriate leg touching and whatnot.

The 84 year-old Langella has said that he’s “enormously grateful” about having been fired and possibly cancelled industry-wide, as this incident has allowed him to do more reading, hiking, cooking, movie-watching and other leisurely pursuits.

“Life is relatively short, and yet so far I’ve relished eight and a half decades of glorious living on this bountiful blue planet,” Langella wrote. “I’m looking forward to filling my remaining years with joy and devotion and boundless Zen enthusiasm.

“So I can’t thank the actress in question enough…getting whacked and being metaphorically tarred and feathered as a sexist dinosaur has opened so many spiritual doors…thank you, anonymous actress who was playing the ‘young wife’ of my Roderick Usher character, and thank you, #MeToo mafia.”

I’m kidding, I’m fantasizing, I’m fooling around.

Langella is actually outraged about what has happened to him over the last few weeks. Here are portions of a “guest column” he’s written for Deadline:

“I have been canceled. Just like that.

“In the increasing madness that currently pervades our industry, I could not have imagined that the words collateral damage would fall upon my shoulders. They have brought with them a weight I had not expected to bear in the closing decades of my career. And along with it has come an unanticipated sense of grave danger.

“On April 14 of this year, I was fired by Netflix for what they determined to be unacceptable behavior on set. My first instinct was to blame. To lash out and seek vengeance. I interviewed crisis managers, tough connected lawyers, the professionally sympathetic at $800 per hour. Free advice was proffered as well:

“’Don’t play the victim.’ ‘Don’t sue. They’ll dig into your past.’ ‘Sign the NDA, take the money and run.’ ‘Do the talk shows. Show contrition; feign humility. Say you’ve learned a lot.’

“Apologize. Apologize. Apologize.

“I was playing the leading role of Roderick Usher in Edgar Allan Poe’s classic The Fall of the House of Usher, modernized as an eight-episode series for Netflix. It is a glorious role and I had come to regard it as, most likely, my last hurrah. Bizarrely prophetic under the current circumstances.

“On March 25 of this year, I was performing a love scene with the actress playing my young wife. Both of us were fully clothed. I was sitting on a couch, she was standing in front of me. The director called cut.

“‘He touched my leg,’ said the actress. ‘That was not in the blocking.” She then turned and walked off the set, followed by the director and the intimacy coordinator. I attempted to follow, but was asked to ‘give her some space.’ I waited for approximately one hour, and was then told she was not returning to set and we were wrapped.

“Not long after, an investigation began. Approximately one week later, Human Resources asked to speak to me by phone. ‘Before the love scene began on March 25,’ said the questioner, ‘our intimacy coordinator suggested where you both should put your hands. It has been brought to our attention that you said, ‘This is absurd!’

“‘Yes,’ I said, ‘I did. And I still think so.’ It was a love scene on camera. Legislating the placement of hands, to my mind, is ludicrous. It undermines instinct and spontaneity.

“Toward the end of our conversation, she suggested that I not contact the young lady, the intimacy coordinator, or anyone else in the company. ‘We don’t want to risk retaliation,’ she said. When I mentioned that it was certainly not my intention to…she cut me off politely and said: ‘Intention is not our concern. Netflix deals only with impact.’

“When you are the leading actor, it requires, in my opinion, that you set an example by keeping the atmosphere light and friendly. Nevertheless, these were some of the allegations: 1. ‘He told an off-color joke’. 2. ‘Sometimes he called me baby or honey.’ 3. ‘He’d give me a hug or touch my shoulder.’

“You cannot do that, Frank,” said our producer. “You can’t joke. You can’t compliment. You can’t touch. It’s a new order.”

Various indignities that have resulted “are, to my mind, the real definition of unacceptable behavior,” Langella wrote.

Cancel culture is the antithesis of democracy. It inhibits conversation and debate. It limits our ability to listen, mediate, and exchange opposing views. Most tragically, it annihilates moral judgment.

“This is not fair. This is not just. This is not American.

Frank Langella / May 5, 2022

HE assessment: It’s been clear for three or four years now that younger professional-class actresses (Millennials and Zoomers) have three abiding interests — (a) being as good as they can at their craft, (b) advancing and enhancing their careers through the usual strategies, and (c) terminating the careers of older male actors who’ve failed to respect #MeToo rules regarding on-set behavior.

HE to older male actors: If you want to die, these actresses will be all too willing to oblige. If you don’t want to die, regard Millennial and Zoomer actresses as cold-blooded Lithuanian assassins and behave accordingly.

Like It or Rough It

99.4% of the time, a woman is a human born with XX chromosomes, a uterus, female sexual organs (i.e., no schlongola), smaller feet and a mellower, more humanistic, less territorial attitude about life.

I’m sorry if that upsets a certain percentage of well-meaning persons out there.

Respect for Geraldo…Seriously

Geraldo Rivera on “The Five”: “Shame on Neil Gorsuch, shame on Amy Comey Barrett, shame on Ryan Kavanaugh” for saying they would uphold Roe in confirmation hearings and then doing the opposite…”they lied.”

I never thought I’d be praising a Rivera opinion voiced on Fox News, but this is one such occasion.

Gerardo’s rant begins around the 3:10 mark:

Did She Sell It?

I know that the general view is that Johnny Depp & attorneys have presented a better case than Amber Heard and counsel, at least as far as public opinion is concerned. But Heard’s testimony today struck me as earnest and compelling.

So who’s partly lying and who’s mostly telling the truth? Watch Akira Kurosawa’s Rashomon. My presumption is that neither Depp and Heard are as pure as the driven snow.

Will Smith Effect Persists

After being bruised and bodyslammed during last night’s show (Tuesday, 5.3) at the Hollywood Bowl, the intrepid Dave Chappelle joked that his assailant was “a trans man.”

Or not. The perpetrator might simply be a maladjusted, garden-variety impulse performer. The world’s full of such fellows.

Nobody knows anything except that (a) Chappelle was definitely assaulted by a dude of color (THR reports that Chappelle referred to his assailant with the “n” word), and that (b) the attacker was subsequently roughed up by either Chappelle’s bodyguards or the HB security guys or both.

I’m not speculating about motive but c’mon, do the math. That or Will Smith’s Oscar slap unleashed something primal in the populace. Or perhaps last night’s altercation was caused by a combination of both.

Flim-Flam Man

I’ve been trying to sell my 65-inch Sony UHD 4K TV plus two Bluray players (a Sony 4K domestic plus my prized Oppo that plays only Region 2) + a Marantz AVR mixer + a 4K Apple TV player + a Roku player + wireless headphones + a black wooden cabinet that holds everything.

The whole kit & kaboodle is listed on Facebook Marketplace, Craig’s List and another forum that slips my mind.

Having sold stuff online before and dealt with a few shady types, I’ve learned five lessons. One, when someone offers to buy an item in question without first arranging to drop by and evaluate the merch, he/she is almost certainly full of shit. Two, that goes double for anyone who doesn’t have a Los Angeles-area phone # or won’t share his contact info when requested. Three, when the perspective buyer says he’s not in town but that he’ll send the dough via Zelle…another red flag. Four, when he asks for my street address so he can arrange for his brother (or wife or girlfriend) to pick up the merch, you know he’s a hustler. And five, if he can’t spell or write clearly that’s another “tell.”

Hence this recent exchange:

SFO Lounge Anxiety

Anya, Katya and myself are sitting in the spacious, strikingly designed Alaska Airlines lounge at San Francisco Int’l Airport. (It has a Pinkberry.) Our SFO-JFK flight leaves at 10:20 pm; arrival at 7 am.