Marshall Fine has pissed all over Tim Burton and Johnny Depp‘s Dark Shadows, calling it a cousin of Wild Wild West and “as dreary a big-budget extravaganza as you’re likely to see this year. It’s also all the argument you need for staging some sort of couples’ intervention on Depp and Burton. Time to move on and stop enabling this kind of pop-culture junk.

“Big, loud, lavish and flat, Dark Shadows was written by Seth Grahame-Smith, who came up with the one-joke idea of mash-ups blending classic literature and history tales blended with horror-movie tropes, like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. [Except] all of the jokes in Dark Shadows are DOA. They’re either trite or flat. And the horror? Forget it – too jokey. And the jokes aren’t jokey enough.

“Dark Shadows isn’t the worst movie ever made. It probably won’t even be the worst movie of the year. And that’s the best I can say about it. Watching it is like being told a weak joke that you already know.”