…for being male, cisgender, gender-conforming, heterosexual, a fertile parent, tall and reasonably attractive, able-bodied, healthy, not fat, a product of an upper-middle-class upbringing, urban, qualified in writing, editing and column-writing, literate, English-speaking, a former Episcopalian, descended from Anglo-Europeans and therefore white.
I realize that these traits usher in all kinds of presumptions about me being a bad person with the mark of Satan on the back of my neck. All I can say that I’m sorry…not for who and what I am, but for your asinine presumptions. [Originally posted on 3.28.21]
[Posted on 3.29.19] Almost everyone has one or two things in their past that they wish they hadn’t done. So here’s a one-size-fits-all apology that the next celebrity or politician can repeat when they get into trouble.
“Dear P.C. Commissars: I am truly sorry for having retroactively transgressed against or otherwise offended current p.c. values before the year 2015. If I could return to that offense-giving moment via time machine, I would certainly not make the same mistake.
“I also wish to say that as embarassed and mortified as I am by this error or shortcoming, the sum total of my regret and shame can’t begin to compare to the loathing and contempt that I hold for you and yours — the admonishing, politically correct, shrieking banshees of our time.
“In my humble judgment the hive-mind, finger-wagging, potentially-career-ruining admonishments and oppressions that you and and your fellow accusers occasionally issue about historical missteps are just as regrettable and perhaps even worse than the bad things that I said prior to 2015.
“I’m truly sorry for and ashamed of my misjudgments, but you guys, no offense, are hooded ogres, and if I could tie your hands and dunk you in a lake I would. Peace.”