Ridley Scott‘s The Counselor doesn’t belong in a discussion of 2013’s worst films because it was far and away one of the most cunningly written, the most perverse, the most succinctly edited, the ballsiest and…well, probably the most unconventional film of the year, hands down. It was certainly the finest 2013 film that received a failing grade from Rotten Tomatoes (35%) and Metacritic (48%).
I hated Nicholas Winding Refn‘s Only God Forgives, which I saw in Cannes, more than any other film I saw this year…down on my knees, howling with disgust. Amat Escalante‘s Heli is a respectable, highly disciplined Mexican art film, but it was easily the ugliest thing I sat through all year — sorry. Everyone seemed to agree that Adore, the Australian drama about a pair of moms (Naomi Watts, Robin Wright Penn) banging each other’s sons, was a miscalculation for the ages. I found Scatter My Ashes at Bergdorf’s moderately diverting. And I worshipped the black-and=white 3D section of Sam Raimi‘s Oz The Great and Powerful, even though the rest of the film more or less blew. I didn’t find Paul Schrader‘s The Canyons to be all that good, but it wasn’t deplorable. Jobs was a plodder for the most part, but I wasn’t grossly offended.
I haven’t even seen Charlie Countryman or Jayne Mansfield’s Car, but they’re both waiting for me on Vudu.
Six months ago I complied a Worst of 2013 list: Only God Forgives, Man of Steel (because of the deplorable final 80 minutes — the first hour isn’t half-bad), After Earth, To The Wonder, Now You See Me, Hangover Part 3, Simon Killer, Iron Man 3, Arthur Newman, Post Tenebras Lux, At Any Price, Movie 43, Olympus Has Fallen; InAPPropriate Comedy; Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Identity Thief, A Glimpse Inside The Mind of Charles Swan III, Stoker, Gangster Squad, Stand-Up Guys.
One of the things I’m happiest about these days is a general decision to avoid shit movies. I can smell them from a mile off so I try to steer clear. Okay, sometimes I don’t but I almost always regret it. I even avoid them on Vudu or Netflix…they don’t exist. So I didn’t see Getaway, Paranoia, The Big Wedding, Grown Ups 2, CBGB (an exception to the rule — I’l be renting this soon out of curiosity), Safe Haven, R.I.P.D., A Good Day to Die Hard, The Last Exorcism Part 2, Tyler Perry’s Temptation, Free Birds, Texas Chainsaw 3D, Girl Most Likely, the PG Romeo and Juliet, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Upside Down, Kick-Ass 2, Luc Besson‘s The Family, The Lone Ranger, Machete Kills, Austenland, Tyler Perry Presents Peeples, Red 2, Parker All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, Bullet to the Head, Carrie, Jack the Giant Slayer, The Last Stand, Ender’s Game Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain and Thor: The Dark World…missed ’em!
