I’ve worked as hard if not harder than Lindsay Lohan has during the making of Liz & Dick. I work my fingers to the bone for breakfast, and if you try to wake me up in the early a.m. after an especially grueling all-nighter, I’ll respond like anyone else. I’ll do a little body flinch and go, “Uhm…arrgghh…oh, God…time is it?” I won’t, trust me, be so unresponsive and corpse-like that my attempted waker-upper will call 911.

They don’t know it but some people are irresistably attracted to if not secretly in love with the idea of spiritual transcendence by way of obliteration…with taking that final sublime boat ride up the Euphrates and turning into a perfect smile. I’ll be hugely surprised if Lindsay Lohan makes it to age 30. It’s just a matter of when, where and by what “accidental” method.