Variety Assistant Copy Editor: “Hey, chief! A guy named Ben Salami (@UglyXKorean) just tweeted about some louche lowlife masturbating during a suburban Detroit screening of Love Lies Bleeding!”
Variety Editor: “Jerking off in a movie theatre? Wasn’t the late Paul Reubens busted for that in the early ‘90s?”
Variety Assistant Copy Editor: “Yeah, but that was in a porn theatre. This happened in a legit multiplex in Southgate, a low-rent suburb of Detroit.”
Variety editor: “And the guy actually pulled out his gross animal member…?”
Variety Assistant Copy Editor: “And began spanking it…exactly!”
Variety editor: “This is obviously deserving of coverage in the showbiz bible. If I’m not mistaken Variety ran a story about a guy masturbating during a showing of Ben-Hur in Tampa back in ‘59 or ‘60.”
Variety Assistant Copy Editor: “Was that during a reserved seat showing?”
Variety editor: “Not sure but we definitely covered it. Plus this’ll help draw attention to Love Lies Bleeding, which needs all the help it can get. And out friends at A24 will appreciate it.”
Variety Assistant Copy Editor: “It’s a ballsy film, if that’s not an inappropriate term.”
Variety editor: “Tell William Earl to write it up, but first get confirmation from Southgate police, of course, as well as the management of the theatre. And make sure that Ben Salami is the tweeter’s actual name.”
Variety Assistant Copy Editor: “Should we run the photo?”
Variety editor: ‘Probably not, but let me check with Jay.”
