From 2.15 Deadline interview with Oscar telecast producers Mike De Luca and Jennifer Todd, conducted by Mike Fleming with Wellsian commentary inserted here and there:

Fleming: Mike, you’ve produced the second of three kinkily romantic Fifty Shades of Grey movies that have stretched the Valentine’s Day holiday. What advice from your exhaustive research can you convey that will guarantee Mrs. Fleming a whirlwind week of romance?

De Luca: Mr. Fleming must do whatever she wants and asks for, that’s my one and only instruction. Surrender, that’s the key to a successful marriage. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender.

Wells: Organizationally and structurally, I’m afraid that’s 100% true. The sooner a husband or co-habiting boyfriend accepts that he is subordinate relationship partner for whom disputes or challenges are basically futile, the smoother things will go. She’s the boss and THAT’S IT.

Fleming: So, reading between the lines, it feels like you’re advising me to stick to the usual playbook, a combination of groveling and guilt?

De Luca: Those are your words, not mine. I brought you the surrender advice. If she wants you to be a dominant, you become a dominant. If she wants you to be an infant, you put on a diaper. Happy wife, happy life, is all I’m saying.

Wells: That aside, a man who doesn’t insist on a certain amount of temporary freedom and autonomy and a good amount of open-air oxygen to breathe into his lungs will surely wither and die. Get permission first by all means but escape from the house at regular intervals. Own a motorcycle or large scooter if at all possible. And hike together as often as possible. Strenuous hiking does wonders for the spirit and has a way of calming down whatever brewing feelings of turmoil or anxiety may be getting in the way.

Fleming: I’m a tired 56-year old at the end of a long Oscar season. All this dressing up and role play sounds like a lot more work.

De Luca: The diaper helps there. I’m wearing one right now. It’s really convenient.

Wells: All right, that’s taking things too far, dammit.