They dragged me into a theatre and strapped me down with a formidable leather harness. The idea was to force me to watch Shang-Chi: Legend Of The Ten Fiddles…er, Peacock Feathers…Rings, I mean. Just as the lights were dimming, a bulky, snarly guy came over, pulled out a loaded Glock and said “if you close your eyes even once or start humming so you can’t hear the dialogue, I will fire a hot slug into the back of your head, asshole…I’m not kidding.” Me: “Don’t bother with the threats — just shoot me now…just do it, asswipe.”

Pedro Almodovar‘s films are almost always sublime. Especially when focusing on woman and motherhood.

Madres paralelas (Sony Classics, 12.24) focuses on two mothers, Janis and Ana (Penelope Cruz, Milena Smit), who give birth the same day in the same hospital. They’ve both become pregnant unintentionally. Janis, somewhat older, is happy and into it. Ana, quite young, is afraid and anxious. The film follows their parallel child-rearing lives over the first two years.

Pedro’s only serious miss was I’m So Excited (’13) — every gifted artist drops the ball at one time or another.

Pedro’s next is a feature-length adaptation of A Manual for Cleaning Women, based on Lucia Berlin‘s short story collection, set to be his first English-language feature.

…that offering proof of vaccination and proof of recent negative testing should be a requirement for press and public attending their festival. Ahead of the curve!

There are those who continue to insist that Soggy Bottom, the alleged title of Paul Thomas Anderson‘s Hollywood-in-the-’70s drama, is just a placeholder. The real title, which may or may not have more of a poetic ring than Soggy Bottom, will be announced down the road, they say.

But if it is just a place-holder, why did Anderson register the title with the WGA on 7.16.21? [Thanks to World of Reel‘s Jordan Ruimy for forwarding the screen capture.] Was it because PTA hadn’t yet decided on the real title so what the hell?

What could Soggy Bottom even mean? Some kind of half-assed metaphor for the culture of the entertainment industry?

I may as well be honest and confess right now that I really, really don’t like the idea of watching Benny Safdie playing an L.A. politician based on closeted L.A. City Council member Joel Wachs. Of all the people Anderson could’ve hired to play this character, he gets a fellow director film bruh? Why? I’m generally anti-Safdie since watching the exhausting, anxiety-ridden Uncut Gems, and I didn’t care at all for Safdie’s Lennie Small-like performance in Good Time (’17).

The Hand of the Dog signifies a pair of Netflix films that (a) sound alike, (b) are debuting at the Venice Film festival on the same day (9.2), and (c) are opening within a couple of weeks of each other stateside.

Set to debut in Venice at 4:30 pm on 9.2, Jane Campion‘s The Power of the Dog will hit theatres on 11.17 and begin streaming on Netflix on 12.1. Screening that same day in Venice at 7:15, 7:30 and 8:30 pm, Paolo Sorrentino‘s The Hand of God will open theatrically on 11.17 and begin Netflix streaming on 12.1.

Adam McKay‘s Don’t Look Up, by the way, will hit theatres on 12.10 and begin Netflix streaming on 12.24.

If you’re up to something shady, the first rule (duhhh) is don’t leave any retrievable record or evidence of any kind — don’t discuss it in a text or email, don’t discuss it on the phone, don’t write anything down, don’t allow yourself to be recorded…keep it on the down low.

Example: There exists no letter written by Vito Corleone on letterhead stationary, and addressed to one Luca Brasi, stating the following: “Dear Luca — This will formalize my request that you immediately fly out to Los Angeles, drive into Beverly Hills and cut off the head of Khartoum, a black race horse that belongs to Jack Woltz, a studio chief. You then need to put the horses’s head into the bed of the studio chief while he’s sleeping. — cordially & warmest regards, Vito Corleone — p.s. Tom Hagen, who is fully involved in this horse murder, tells me that Woltz is an early riser so act accordingly.”