I’ll be watching episodes 2 and 3 of HBO’s The Last of Us this evening, but before I do that I need to confess that I’m more than a little uncomfortable with the idea of watching the 50ish Nick Offerman and Murray Bartlett go all slurpy-kissy and God knows what else.

Because I want my gay-lover dramas to focus on young, good-looking guys (Call Me By Your Name‘s Armie Hammer and Timothée Chalamet, let’s say) and not older, bearded guys and certainly not the dreaded Offerman under any imaginable circumstance.

Excerpted from Lukas Shayo‘s “Last Of Us Episode 3 Review Bombed Despite Widespread Acclaim,” posted six hours ago on ScreenRant:

Episode 3, titled “Long, Long Time“, premiered on 1.29.23.

Shayo: “One of the many reasons that ‘Long, Long Time’ is earning love is that [it] avoided anti-gay tropes by depicting a gay love story without unnecessary tragedy or violence against the central characters.

“Instead, Bill (Nick Offerman) and Frank (Murray Bartlett) are allowed to grow old together and go out respectfully even amid an apocalypse. Their love story spans practically the entire episode and is the emotional undercurrent of a major arc in the show, and it’s why reviewers are lashing out.

“Many of the comments on the episode speak out about the episode’s ‘agenda’, ‘pandering’ and ‘alternate motives’ and are largely driven by blatant homophobia.

“While some of the reviewers discuss the episode slowing down the pace or shifting too far from the source material and Ellie and Joel’s journey, homophobia is the undercurrent in many of the reviews, leaving the actual critiques feeling hollow. The Last of Us episode 3 changed expectations by providing a new way of looking at the apocalypse, so there is some cause to anticipate the massive backlash, but not the extent of it.

“However, with over 50 percent of reviewers rating the episode a perfect ten at the time of writing, the episode is still maintaining a solid 8.0 overall.rating, despite the review-bombing efforts.”

HE reactions — Thursday, 12:15 am: “So the producers of The Last of Us decided to abandon the basic zombie apocalypse narrative in order to tell a domestic love story (a sad one) between two middle-aged men with hairy chests and beards.

“It’s very well finessed all around (I half-chuckled at the gay strawberries scene until it led to smooching) but I’m afraid I’ve been permanently traumatized by the first sex scene in the queen bed.

“Watching a prelude to naked-ass Bartlett giving naked-ass Offerman a blowjob…God in heaven and Jesus H. Christ. I’m not endorsing the IMDB review bombing, but I understand it. I’ll be having nightmares about this.

“Teenaged Ellie: ‘I don’t know who Linda Ronstadt is, but it’s better than nothing.’

“The melancholy aging and illness portion is quite affecting. Touching. ‘This is my last day…one more good day.’ Offerman weeping. ‘Do you love me?’ Tragic stuff. I felt it.

“‘I’m leaving the window open so the house won’t smell’? It would smell to high heaven regardless. Two old bodies = major stink bomb.

The following suggestions are exercises in Orwellian neuter-speak, and Jeremiah Owyang, CMO of @rlynetworkassoc (advisor, speaker), is exactly the kind of fellow that I never, ever want to be or even get close to.

If you have any affection at all for vivid, arresting, semi-flavorful language or ripe figures of speech…please. Joan Didion, Tom Wolfe, William Styron, Toni Morrison, Dorothy Parker, Studs Terkel, Charles Bukowski, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Eugene O’Neil, Jack Kerouac, Truman Capote…they’d all be appalled.

Friendo: “Might as well just hand it all over to ChatGPT or whatever that open AI system is. I hate what has happened to the left.”

…then I’ll find a way to scrounge my way over there. Ditto if Alexander Payne‘s The Holdovers plays there, although I doubt it will. All the hotshot publicists agreed long ago that presumed award-season headliners (which The Holdovers is definitely said to be — ditto Killers of the3 Flower Moon) are not helped by even a glorious reception in Cannes, as they’ll just have to start the engine all over again when the early fall festivals launch. Who knows? Playing it by ear.

Here’s Jordan Ruimy’s latest Cannes ’23 spitball.

I’m not sure if Myrna Loy (1905-1993) ever gave a great performance. She shares a great “welcome home” scene with Fredric March in The Best Years of Our Lives (‘46), and is dryly amusing in a somewhat stiff-necked way in The Bachelor and the Bobby Soxer (‘47). But she was certainly in full command of a sexy exotic vibe in her late 20s and early 30s. She also gave great vibe in the Thin Man series.

Previously unreported fact: I stood five feet from the still curiously radiant Loy at a National Board of Review awards ceremony in late ‘81 or early ‘82. Ragtime costar James Cagney was also there; ditto Warren Beatty, who said something flattering about Loy — something about her beauty still making his pulse race a bit.