The ’22 Cannes Film Festival (5.17 to 5.28) has officially announced that both Tom Cruise and Joseph Kosinski’s Top Gun: Maverick (Paramount, 5.27) and Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis (Warner Bros,., 6.24) will have big splashy debuts on the Cote d’Azur. But then we suspected this weeks ago.

I have vague qualms about both. It can be safely presumed that neither will deliver serious heat. The possible competition titles that I’m most excited about are Alejandro G. Innaritu‘s Bardo, Cristian Mungiu‘s R.M.N., Ruben Ostlund‘s Triangle of Sadness, James Gray‘s Armageddon Time and Kantemir Balagov‘s Monica.

Posted on 3.4.22: World of Reel‘s Jordan Ruimy has compiled a list of (seemingly) likely titles for Cannes ’22.

Other possible out-of-competition titles: Bullet Train, Nope, Lightyear. Perhaps George Miller’s Three Thousand Years of Longing (rumored to be something of a slog) will play OOC instead of competition.

Here’s the general rundown:

Here’s Variety‘s Cannes projection.

TUCKER CARLSON 2019: “Why do I care what’s going on in the conflict between Ukraine and Russia? And I’m serious. And why shouldn’t I root for Russia? Which I am.”

TUCKER CARLSON 2022: “Who’s siding with Putin? I haven’t seen anybody do that.” pic.twitter.com/HpyXtVEw0I

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) March 15, 2022

…but it’s irritating in a lot of ways. That’s putting it concisely, I think.

I’ll always be a sucker for any kind of humid, storied New Orleans atmosphere, and a noirish mood only adds…not as rich as Angel Heart’s in this case, but one that at least lets you savor the flush fragrances of the Garden district. In this respect it’s an agreeable hang.

But man, what a perplexing and unsatisfying story about dread and a weird form of impotence and crazy-rage jealousy. Plus the head-scratching dynamic between the perverse married-couple leads, originally created by Patricia Highsmith and played by Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas. Not to mention a final 45 minutes that really doesn’t work from a logical standpoint and which even flirts with self-mockery. Not to…

Look, can I finish this tomorrow morning? I’m not feeling the mojo right now. Plus I have to hit the market before it gets too late. Everyone knows this movie is a stiff so what’s the difference if I carve it up tonight or tomorrow?

Friendo #1: “I didn’t think I could root any harder than I already am for The Power of the Dog not to win [the Best Picture Oscar]. But now, if it loses, it will just be unimaginably sweet.”

Friendo #2: “I never thought it could win because people don’t actually like it that much. But I don’t really want to see CODA win either. Apple bought it for $20 million, and it made $1 million. There is just something really awful about that. Maybe King Richard will win.”

Friendo #1: “I’m not quite sure what you’re saying about CODA. Apple bought it for $25 million, and it made no money because it never played in theaters. Just like The Power of the Dog.

“The difference is that CODA is the better film. The Power of the Dog is well-made, but it’s thin and fatally woke. Sam Elliott, in his ham-handed way, was actually right about it. It’s an attack on masculinity. I wasn’t personally offended by it, but I think it’s didactic.”

Friendo #2: “It bothers me because Apple is the most powerful company in the world. The #1 most powerful, and they’re selling CODA as ‘the little movie that could.’ I like it. It’s fine but it bothers me that they’re going to buy an Oscar, if they wind up doing that. And what will ultimately mean is more subscribers for them! I just don’t want the Oscars to go that way. I don’t really want Netflix to win either, despite that I think they’re a good company and that the movies are good. I just don’t want the Oscars to give up on theatrical.

“I know I probably have to let it go — adapt or die but still. Apple in particular bothers me. Amazon is the same. It just feels hopeless.”

Friendo #1: “Oh, I don’t want to see the Oscars give up on theatrical either! But I don’t agree with you that ‘Apple is buying this Oscar.’ They’re laying out the money for an Oscar campaign, the same way that Netflix does, and the same way that Harvey set the template.

“But CODA is ‘the little movie that could’ because…people love it! You can’t buy that. That’s why it could win. And people, by and large, don’t like TPOTD.

“But yes. Bring back theatrical!! For adult films. That’s my crusade.”

Friendo #2: “I’m not on Team CODA! It is a TV movie at best. It is not a Best Picture of the year.”

Sooner or later, Pete Davidson is going to politely excuse himself from all the Kanye-vs.-Kim sturm und drang. He’s a groover and a soother, not a domestic family squabbler.

I’m sure Pete suspects fears suspects deep down that he might get drilled by a drive-by shooter. “Ye” is fucking crazy — we all know that so do the math. Some obsequious suck-up friend of Ye’s could handle the shooting the same way the Norman barons killed Thomas Becket after Henry II said, “Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?” Henry didn’t say “kill the guy” — he just complained about him bitterly. That’s all it took.

Plus Pete is a spaceman now. It was confirmed today that the King of Staten Island star-cowriter will be onboard during the fourth Blue Origin flight, which will depart on Wednesday, 3.23. He may not disengage from Kim next week or next month, but he will sooner or later.

What are the odds, by the way, that Pete will experience a William Shatner-like cosmic revelation while staring down at our blue planet from the Blue Origin peniscraft?

Kanye West wanna know who was watching kids while skete was naked in bed with Kim k and wanna know why he still call Kim k … Kanye wife pic.twitter.com/5eU7ig5Ccx

— DJ Akademiks (@Akademiks) March 13, 2022

Hollywood Elsewhere salutes the brave woman who flashed the truth on Russian TV earlier today. Her name is Marina Ovsyannikova. Stiff salute, hats off, balls of steel.

На Первом канале в прямом эфире выбежала женщина с плакатом pic.twitter.com/3EMbhSdIGU

— Ярослав Конвей (@YaroslavConway) March 14, 2022

https://twitter.com/YaroslavConway/status/1503449531756818438/photo/1

Ovsyannikova also appears to have recorded a video beforehand in which she blames Putin for the war and apologizes for her work on Russian state TV news. pic.twitter.com/VuoqtJWcIY

— max seddon (@maxseddon) March 14, 2022

“The Hispanic voter is starting to look a lot like what happened with the Italian voter. Didn’t the Italian voter become much more of a Republican block? And that could happen with Latinos. If the Democrats lose [the changing Hispanic voter], they’re in a lot of trouble.” — Bill Maher to Ben Shapiro.

“Babybubdo,” a YouTube watcher: “My husband and I watched this Ben Shapiro-Bill Maher discussion yesterday and I have to say, it was so wonderful to see two people, with totally different views, actually talk to each other and not at each other. This is the epitome of respect, no matter what your viewpoint is, and is a great example of how things or situations get worked out. I wish this was a weekly show.”

I was neutral about either CODA’s Troy Kotsur or The Power of the Dog’s Kodi Smit-McPhee possibly winning the Best Supporting Actor Oscar. I was okay, I mean, with either one prevailing.

But after examining the cloudy Alexander McQueen tux that KSM wore to last week’s Oscar luncheon, I’ve become a committed Kotsur guy.

Some kind of raspberry-covered compressed pound cake with powdered sugar and tasty syrups…made my day. Here’s the general menu.