I hate the hyphen, for one thing. I hate that they’re rebooting Spider-Man for the second damn time. I hate the idea of paying to see a film that is entirely about drooling corporate hunger. I hate the obliging whore instinct that played a part in the current 94% RT score. What’s in it for me to sit through this thing? Maybe a little amusement or diversion, but how long is this Marvel Comic Universe shit going to continue? You know the answer. Until people start saying “Fuck Kevin Feige…I’m bored and I’m done.” I just don’t want to see Spider-Man: Homecoming. I really, really don’t. Who’s with me? That was a joke. The studios crank out another and the herd comes right over and starts slurping. I’ve loved a few Marvel flicks but c’mon, man…enough. Okay, I’ll come back for Ant Man 2 if Peyton Reed directs, and for Black Panther. But you know even Black Panther is gonna be more or less the same old slop in the trough.
If You Know Anything About Woodcraft
I tried to hang this IKEA kitchen storage thing in the proper way. I measured everything six ways from Sunday, and then oh-so-carefully drilled the two holes, inserted the anchors, re-measured and eyeballed the damn thing and whirred the screws into the wall. Tweaking, adjusting. It’s very hard to do this right if you’re all alone. Did I use a level? No, but I kept eyeballing it over and over…this angle, that angle, standing back, tilting my head. Don’t go by this photo — it’s very close to being perfectly level. Alas, my eye is telling me “nope, it’s off by a just a scosche.” Fuck it — I raised the right side with a couple of finishing nails. Now it’s fine.
Patriotic Crash-Boom-Bang
If only the Americans who are too dumb or deranged to see what’s happening to this nation under Donald Trump (backwater dumbshits, arch-conservative banshees like NRA spokeswoman Dana Loesch, etc.)…if only these lunatics would listen to Neil Young‘s “Children of Destiny“, their minds would start to change and the general tide of rightwing insanity would start to recede, thus paving the way for a Congressional turnaround in ’18, which would presumably be followed by Trump’s impeachment. Incidentally: Whatever happened to Young’s Pono player?
Baby Driver Asking “Are You Guys Into Me Or What?”
You don’t have to be an incorrigibly dull, low-wattage flatline type to wake up this weekend and say “let’s go see Despicable Me 3!” But it would help. For those with a passing interest in what’s really happening at the movies over the Independence Day holiday, the only thing to talk about is Baby Driver.
Jett caught an Arclight showing yesterday afternoon (he tried for The Big Sick but it was sold out) and loved it. “You liked the ending, the last 15 or so?” I asked, somewhat incredulous. Yeah, he said. “But you’re a huge Drive fan!” I countered. “That was a different thing,” Jett replied. “This is a kind of satire of Drive with a La La Land attitude.”
What’s the verdict from the HE first-wavers who caught it last night or the night before? Deadline is projecting a five-day Baby box-office of $27 or $28 million.
Tender Mercies
Weddings are often described as joyous, touching, festive, life-affirming and maybe a bit nerve-wracking, at least in terms of pre-ceremonial jitters. But yesterday’s ceremony at La Piedra state beach — Tatyana, myself and wedding maestro Chris Robinson of oficiantguy.com — was mostly peaceful. We just did it, no prob. Smiles and serenity. The sea, blue skies, bright sun and mild breezes cooperated perfectly. We didn’t actually do the deed until 4 pm. Traffic from Sunset and PCH to central Malibu was beyond ridiculous, and the way down to the beach wasn’t a path as much as a challenge for mountain goats. But man, it was perfect. The post-nuptial celebration (including my son Jett, Svetlana and David, longtime attorney pally Mark Kane) happened at The Little Door.
“21st Century Equivalent of Russian Marines Landing on Jersey Shore…”
You can dismiss what Richard Clarke is saying here about cyber Russian invasions (not ’16 as much as ’18 and 2020) and sea-level rise and Trump’s seeming indifference to both. Go ahead, ignore the former anti-terrorism czar who specifically warned the Bushies about Osama bin Laden‘s plans for attacking the U.S., etc.
Death and Marriage
Two days ago Aura, my eight-year-old white munchkin, began crying over apparently nothing. She wasn’t crying as much as moaning. As I was unpacking the parts to an IKEA kitchen cart, I thought Aura might have interpreted this to mean I was packing my bags for another trip, and was therefore distressed. Later that day she disappeared into the bedroom closet, not coming out to eat or anything.
That in itself persuaded me to take her to the vet, but I wanted to see if she’d rebound on her own. Last night she was lying inside the closet and moaning again, but more loudly this time. That was the first super-serious “uh-oh.” It was the same sound made by my Siamese cat, Mouse, three or four weeks before he passed from pancreatic cancer.
I decided to take Aura to the vet first thing this morning instead of late last night, figuring they’d just keep her in observation until the vet doc came in around 9 am. She was still moaning just after midnight, but less audibly, more internally.
This morning we found her dead. Rigor mortis had set in heavily, so she’d probably passed around 1 or 2 am. Our hearts are broken, and we’re getting married in three hours. People who say “oh my God” annoy me to no end, but I think I might have said OMG this morning 20 or 25 times. Picking her up was agony — it was like she was suddenly made of plaster. I called a cat crematorium guy — $200 bills for a cremation plus an urn for her ashes, and the urn will even have her name on it.
Rambling Marriage Vows
The saga of Jeff and Tatyana has been an up, down, sideways and back up again thing. We were going to tie the knot on the beach several weeks ago, and then put it off. Then we worked out some issues, and then drove around Italy and stayed in Paris as a kind of pre-honeymoon, and now I’m happy to say we’re back on again. Today is the day, Judah. Vows at La Piedra State Beach at 3 pm, and then a gathering around 7 pm with a few friends. No biggie, and at the same time big-big-BIGGIE.
You’re supposed to keep your personally composed marriage vows short and sweet, but right now they’re longish. I’ll continue to hone and refine until the big moment. Here’s what I have now:
Somebody once said that “a successful marriage requires falling in love many times.”
As we begin our life together in marriage, I can’t wait to fall in love with Tatyana again and again. I just did the other night while we were trying to assemble an IKEA table, and I’m doing that right now, and I expect that a new surge will hit me again this afternoon or this evening. Or next week or whatever.
Marriage is about hands held, eyes forward, joy, spirit, surrender, bravery, devotion and, in my case, always, always, always putting Tatyana first. I need to write my column every day, but I also pledge to love and honor Tatyana with all my heart.
She is my Russian Marilyn Monroe, my muse, my commissar, my Tsar…my own Natalya Rostova, Sonya Marmeladova, Antonina Miliukova. After watching Oliver Stone’s Vladimir Putin interviews I have even begun to call Tatyana my own personal Putin, but in a good way. Because for all his alleged shortcomings and reported inclinations to murder journalists, Putin struck me as a fairly wise and astute fellow, sly and temperate and well educated, who has his act together.
“Does Auda abu Tayi serve”? Perhaps not, but Jeffrey Wells will. Or will die trying.
I hereby pledge to keep all doors and windows open, and to try to pry open new ones each and every day. Here’s to matters of the heart and spirit, to blue and white skies and radiant starry nights, and to wit, wisdom, serendipity, clever wisecracks, inspirational guidance and the shining of kindness into all corners and crevasses.
“There is no remedy for love,” said Henry David Thoreau, “but to love more”.
I’m thinking of Luca Guadagnino’s movie, I Am Love. But that title has inspired a thought about myself since I met and fell in love with Tatyana — “I Am Luck.”
“He Was Vicious…He Always Goes After Mika”
“And though it is no one’s business, the president’s petulant personal attack against yet another woman’s looks compels us to report that Mika has never had a face-lift. If she had, it would be evident to anyone watching Morning Joe on their high-definition TV. She did have a little skin under her chin tweaked, but this was hardly a state secret. Her mother suggested she do so, and all those around her were aware of this mundane fact.” — from Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski‘s 6.30 Washington Post op-ed piece.
In order words, Mika underwent a little touch-up. Big deal.
Honest Impressions Requested
The Greatest Showman (20th Century Fox, 12.25), a traditionally-styled musical biopic of P.T. Barnum, obviously isn’t attempting to deliver anything close to historical realism. It’s clearly a big, brassy, up-spirited musical — aimed at the ticket-buyers, full of feeling, going for the gold and the glory.
Random Scratch-Outs on Ellwood’s Best Picture Projections
In a 6.28 Playlist piece, Greg Ellwood floated several 2017 Best Picture candidates, breaking them down into likely contenders vs. potential nominees. Here’s a fast assessment of the first category with some titles dismissed because of some hair-trigger, highly subjective, highly personal rationale or perception. 22 films are assessed here; Ellwood has more on his lists:
Ellwood’s Likely Contenders (alphabetical order):
1. Denis Villenueve‘s Blade Runner 2049 / HE says nope — high-end sci-fi stuff walks — that test-screening report about Harrison Ford not showing up until the very end doesn’t help matters.
2. Luca Guadagnino‘s Call Me By Your Name / HE says you bet your booty.
3. Alfonso Gomez-Rejon‘s The Current War / HE says nope — smells dicey — Benedict Cumberbatch delivering another eccentric genius scientist performance in the wake of The Imitation Game? — Ben-Hur director Timur Bekmambetov having produced (along with Basil Iwanyk and Steven Zaillian) implies trouble.
4. Joe Wright‘s Darkest Hour / Gary Oldman will obviously compete for the Best Actor Oscar, but no one has a line on the film itself.
5. Kathryn Bigelow and Mark Boal‘s Detroit / HE says you bet your booty, especially with those raised eyebrows over that August 4th release date having recently been lowered.
6. Alexander Payne‘s Downsizing / HE says probably, most likely …remember that Payne’s Cinemacon product reel sold everyone on this puppy…darkly funny while delivering an allegory that the dumbest popcorn-muncher will get…audacious concept, first-rate VFX, etc.
7. Christopher Nolan‘s Dunkirk / HE says senses uncertainty at this stage…post-production rumblings about it being more of a grand technical exercise than anything else….curious history lesson (“they got their asses kicked but they did it together, as a nation!”) mixed with knockout IMAX visuals.
8. Sean Baker‘s The Florida Project / HE says strictly Gotham and Spirit Awards.
9. Jordan Peele‘s Get Out / HE has been saying all along that this clever, racially attuned horror comedy, the kind of thing that John Carpenter might have directed in the ’70s or ’80s, has been way overhyped. Will this stop Academy members from nominating it for Best Picture? If you have to ask this, you don’t know the Academy kowtows.