“Homer Simpson, the oafish paterfamilias of America’s favorite dysfunctional family, emerges from his big-screen debut a bona fide Hollywood action hero,” begins a confusingly written London Times review (dated 7.22) by James Bone.
“At the start of The Simpsons Movie, Homer’s dreams of glory are limited to helping his new pet pig to walk upside down on the ceiling while singing ‘Spiderpig, Spiderpig’ to the Spider-Man theme song.”
Why would anyone want to see a movie that’s even briefly interested in a guy who wants to walk his pet pig upside down? Is Bone putting us on? Is he insane?
“But when the adopted swine gets him into bigger trouble than even this celebrated screw-up has ever experienced before, he falls under the influence of a chesty Native American woman he calls ‘Boob Lady’ and undergoes an uncharacteristic epiphany that galvanizes him into action for the good of his by-now estranged clan.”
Does anyone reading this understand what the previous paragraph means apart from the name ‘Boob Lady’ and the reason she’s called that?
“By the time the witty final credits roll,” Bones goes on, “Homer outshines even Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has been elected president and ordered great harm done to Homer’s home town.”
How has Schwarzenegger done great harm to Homer’s home town? Isn’t Bone obliged to at least hint at what this “harm” may amount to?
“The Hollywood action theme helps the hit cartoon series, after 18 seasons on television, to land its death-defying leap to the big screen with panache. The result is a postmodern parable about an environmental scare that is at the same time hilarious and horrifyingly poignant. But thanks to an unexpected glimpse of Bart’s genitalia, this is a postmodern parable with a ‘pickle shot’.” Horrifyingly poignant?