An inside operator who’s enjoyed a certain perspective on the making of Transformers (Dreamamount, 7.4.07), the forthcoming Michael Bay fantasy-actioner, feels it’s “loads of crap” and “not fit for a barge.” These and other opinions were amusingly conveyed in a Transformer wrap poem that was posted last night on a certain website, and then taken down. A journalist friend copied and and sent it along before the erasure. The Beowulfian account lies three graphs hence.

Merd bombs of this sort never factor into the film’s commercial reception. Older guys taking potshots at a super-expensive pre-pubescent fanboy action FX flick is almost a badge of honor. It’s certainly a matter of very limited consequence in the greater scheme.

What does anyone really expect from Transformers anyway? It’s based on a damn Hasbro toy line (my kids were into Transformers in the early to mid ’90s), so what could possibly manifest beyond a sense of high-robot uber-coolness and a blitz- kreig of hot-lead “Bay-os” (a term coined by producer Jerry Bruckheimer, accor- ding to Variety‘s Dade Hayes, that refers to “automatic weapon fire, rumbling car engines, sweaty military dialogue”).

Before reading it, however, you need to know the players — Bay, DreamWorks chief Stacey Snider, producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura (allegedly alluded to as “Skorponok”), producers Don Murphy and Tom SeSantos, and DreamWorks production chief Adam Goodman. Anyway, here goes…


The film is a wrap?

Wow, how about that!

It’s still loads of crap.

And the Stooges swallow this pap?

Murphy and Desanto lead the cheerleader charge

While Skorponok takes credit by and large.

The fact is today

There is nothing okay

The content of the film’s not fit for a barge.

Let your sugary friend answer the clamor

All you sweet kiddles want in on the drama?

The trouble beginning to end

Is named A-D-A-M Goodman

New studio head Snider

Decided him to fire

But then in a Hail Mary pass

Goodman kissed the right piece of ass

“Do not fire me, no do not please”

The chubby young Goodman said on his knees

I can do something you don’t want to do

I can control Michael Bay just for you.

New studio head Snider

Knew he’s a liar

But decided to stay out of the mess

“Sure Mr. Chubwon, you control Bay-san

And keep this boy’s movie shit off my dress”

Then dumb Mr. Goodman

As only a dunce can

Proceeded to hide in the sand

For the first time in history

It was a complete mystery

How one director had ALL of the power!!!!!!

The film is what it is and that’s all that it is

Most trufans will want to take a long whiz

And though valiant and Brave Tom Ian and Don slaved

Fact is Goodman gave the keys to the Kingdom to Bayed.

If you hate the dumb story

And realize the characters are a worry

And wonder how Bay could screwup so bad

Remember the missive that Sugarboy brought you

It wasn’t just Michael but Goodman too!

Obviously the operator feels very strongly that Transformers could have been something better (better? “better”?) than what has apparently resulted under Bay’s transforming influence. What a lot of bitch-steam over nothing. The more profound malady, as I’ve said two or three times since the days of Pearl Harbor, is that Bay could be a much more influential and widely-respected top-tier director (his chops are second-to-none) if he only had the vision thing…if he only had the willingness (ability?) to grow a soul, or at least direct a script that has one in abundance without Bay-ing it down.