“Buffalo Bill’s defunct / who used to ride a watersmooth-silver stallion / and break onetwothreefourfive pigeonsjustlikethat / Jesus / he was a handsome man / and what i want to know is / how do you like your blue-eyed boy / Mister Death” — E.E. Cummings.

Or rather how are you, Mr. and Mrs. American moviegoer, coping with all the Hollywood expiration over this holiday season? But before going any further… SPOILER ALERT! (Okay?) Between 12.1.08 and 12.31.08, there will have been no fewer than fifteen films in which either the lead or one of the second-lead characters is killed, pushes on, or otherwise kicks it .

When, I’m asking, has there been another holiday season in which this many major movie characters have succumbed?

This list may not be complete, but it’s what I have so far. (And thanks, David Dubos, for bringing this to my attention.) A lead or significant character in the following films (and again I say SPOILER ALERT!) takes the final journey: Milk, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Marley and Me, Valkyrie, Seven Pounds, Nothing But The Truth, The Wrestler, The Spirit, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire, Gran Torino, Revolutionary Road, The Boy in Striped Pajamas, Cadillac Records and Che. What am I missing?

“We’re all gonna get there, no exceptions.” — Terrence Stamp‘s “Willie” to John Hurt‘s “Wallace” in Stephen Frears‘ The Hit.

There’s a Huffington Post story explaining Jeremy Piven‘s mercury-overload condition that led to his quitting the Broadway production of Speed-the-Plow and running home like a weenie. It turns out Piven brought this condition upon himself by compulsively eating too much sushi.

Photo-illustration by Everett Bogue stolen from a 12.18 New York “Vulture” item.

The statement from Piven’s rep says he doesn’t like it that everyone has been making fun of his ass over quitting the show due to the mercury thing. Trust me, Piven — the term “sushi defense” makes you seem like an even bigger baby and a bigger douche.

“A slain cop is resurrected as a masked crime-fighter in The Spirit, but Frank Miller’s solo writing-directing debut plunges into a watery grave early on and spends roughly the next 100 minutes gasping for air,” writes Variety‘s Justin Chang.

“Pushing well past the point of self-parody, Miller has done Will Eisner‘s pioneering comic strip no favors by drenching it in the same self-consciously neo-noir monochrome put to much more compelling use in Sin City. Graphic-novel geeks will be enticed by the promise of sleek babes and equally eye-popping f/x, but general audiences will probably pass on this visually arresting but wholly disposable Miller-lite exercise.

“If this summer’s The Dark Knight raised the bar for seriousness, ambition and dramatic realism in the comicbook-based superhero genre, The Spirit reps its antithesis: Relentlessly cartoonish and campy, it’s a work of pure digital artifice , feverishly committed to its own beautiful, hollow universe to the exclusion of any real narrative interest or engagement with its characters.

“There’s no denying the fastidiousness and occasional virtuosity of the overall design, or the lustrous texture of the widescreen images. But all this incessant monochrome has its perils, too: When a man falls to the ground, his body covered with white bloodstains, it’s unclear whether he’s been felled by bullets or by incontinent birds.”

HuffPost’s John Aravosis has posted an allegedly leaked conversation (sic) between President-elect Barack Obama and Sen. Dianne Feinstein in which the president-elect decided to to choose conservative evangelical Christian leader Rick Warren to handle the invocation at Obama’s inaugural.

Yes, the piece notes — the same Rick Warren “who wants to ban all abortions, has compared gay marriage to pedophilia and incest, helped lead the fight for Prop. 8 in California, has said he agrees with far-right wingnut James Dobson on pretty much everything, and who’s devoted his entire life to destroying everything Obama stands for and believes in.”

Feinstein’s rationale to Obama, according to the transcript, is that the Warren decision will convey that he’s “so post-partisan that [he’s] willing to embrace and promote someone who loathes you, didn’t vote for you, and will do everything in his power to destroy your presidency. It’s like the Lieberman thing, but even bigger!”

To which Obama responds, “So you mean, by promoting a guy who represents none of my goals, ideals or hopes that the majority of the country voted for, and by devastating my own [pro-choice and gay] supporters on what was supposed to be a day of celebration and national rebirth, I’m actually promoting ‘change’ by publicly undermining it?”

I should have noted this earlier, but here’s to the Toronto Film Critics Association for ignoring the Zelig impulse, standing up like men of character and cojones and giving their Best Picture award to Kelly Reichardt‘s Wendy and Lucy. The two runnners-up were Rachel Getting Married and WALL*E.

Wendy and Lucy‘s Michelle Williams was named Best Actress, Jonathan Demme was named Best Director for Rachel Getting Married, Rachel‘s Jenny Lumet won for Best Screenplay, Rachel‘s Rosemarie DeWitt won Best Supporting Actress, Mickey Rourke took the Best Actor award for The Wrestler and the late Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor for his work in The Dark Knight.

What the hell is a “high mercury count“? Whatever it is, it reportedly caused Jeremy Piven to abruptly end his run in Broadway’s Speed-the-Plow after missing Tuesday evening’s performance and a Wednesday matinee. I thought this was a put-on after reading David Mamet‘s comment that he had spoken to Piven and was told “that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury…so my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.” This is the lamest cop-out excuse I’ve ever heard from any shirker in any profession in my entire life. It’s on the level of “my dog ate my homework.”

Vanity Fair.com’s Julian Sancton is reporting that among this morning’s SAG-nominated actors are eight “mutineers” — actors who’ve stood up against SAG president Alan Rosenberg by refusing to sign a strike authorization. They are 30 Rock‘s Alec Baldwin, Milk‘s Josh Brolin , Recount‘s Kevin Spacey, Susan Sarandon of Bernard and Doris, Michael C. Hall of Dexter, Sally Field of Brothers & Sisters, and Monk‘s Tony Shalhoub.

The Florida Film Critics Circle have shown themselves to be just as conformist, regimented and sheep-like as other award-bestowing critics groups, with each of their ’08 winners well within the arena of safety. Best Picture — Slumdog Millionaire. Best Actor — The Wrestler ‘s Mickey Rourke. Best Actress — Frozen River‘s Melissa Leo . Best Supporting Actor — The Dark Knight’s Heath Ledger. Best Foreign Language Film — Let the Right One In. Best Animated Feature — WALL*E. Best Documentary — Man on Wire. Breakout Award — In Bruges director-writer Martin McDonagh.

I don’t mean to single Florida out. I’m just saying they’re like all the other groups, that many film critics are Zelig-minded, that the Zelig impulse is just as prevalent among film critics groups as it is among institutional government types.

“Ideals are like the stars. We cannot reach them but we profit by their presence.” — a philosophy oft-spoken by John le Carre‘s father, Ronnie Cornwell.

The just-announced 15th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards nominations contain at least two what-the-hells. Slumdog Millionaire‘s Dev Patel, a novice, is up for Best Supporting Actor while Revolutionary Road ‘s Michael Shannon has been ignored. (What is the blockage that people have about Shannon and this film? It’s unconscionable to blow off a performance this lightning-bolt vivid.) And Changeling‘s Angelina Jolie has been nominated for Best Actress for a strong if less-than-breathtaking performance, while the stunning achievement of I’ve Loved You So Long ‘s Kristin Scott Thomas has been given the go-by.

Two factors were behind the KST snub: xenophobia (i.e., “we gave the Best Actress Oscar to a French-speaking actress last year…that was enough”) and the super-celebrity, magazine-cover butt-kiss impulse benefitting Jolie. This is a very sad day for me personally as SAG, repping a very influential voting bloc, has now all but killed the likelihood of Oscar noms for Thomas and Shannon. Am I wrong?

HE approves of four of the Best Actor nominations — Richard Jenkins in The Visitor (justice! attempts by the Gurus of Gold to marginalize Jenkins have been waved off!), Frank Langella in Frost/Nixon, Sean Penn in Milk and Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler . But it’s wrong and slavish to nominate Benjamin Button‘s Brad Pitt — who gives a fine if unstirring performance as a passive sponge man — at the expense of the far more deserving Leonardo DiCaprio in Revolutionary Road or Benicio del Toro in Che. The Pitt nomination is largely driven by the celebrity butt-kiss impulse along with a Benjamin Button coat-tails effect.

In addition to Jolie, SAG’s Best Female Actor noms have gone to Rachel Getting Married ‘s Anne Hathaway (right), Frozen River‘s Melissa Leo (applause!), Doubt‘s Meryl Streep (yes), and Revolutionary Road‘s Kate Winslet (very much deserved). I for one am not distressed about Happy-Go-Lucky‘s Sally Hawkins getting bypassed. I’m presuming this happened because some of the SAG membership feels as I do about her performance — i.e., technically expert and emotonally alive, but in service of a horribly irritating character.

Patel aside, SAG’s Best Supporting Actor nominees are Milk‘s Josh Brolin, Tropic Thunder‘s Robert Downey, Jr., Doubt‘s Philip Seymour Hoffman, and The Dark Knight ‘s Heath Ledger.

I have two disputes with SAG’s choice of Best Supporting Female nominees — i.e., Doubt‘s Viola Davis and Amy Adams , Vicky Cristina Barcelona‘s Penelope Cruz, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button‘s Taraji P. Henson, and The Reader ‘s Kate Winslet.

The arguments are (1) there’s no way in hell Adams’ Doubt performance, good as it is, is a match for The Wrestler‘s Marisa Tomei , I’ve Loved You So Long‘s Elsa Zylberstein, Rachel Getting Married‘s Rosemarie DeWitt, The Vistor‘s Hiam Abbass or Nothing But The Truth‘s Vera Farmiga; and (2) Winslet’s ex-Nazi-guard character is utterly central to the story of The Reader, and she’s unquestionably the lead female actress in the film so calling her a supporting player is pretty close to ridiculous.