…and do you care that three big awards ceremonies are happening this weekend? The Directors Guild Awards are happening Saturday, and we all know that’s a lock for The Power of the Dog‘s Jane Campion along with The Lost Daughter‘s Maggie Gyllenhaal for First-Time Feature. Then comes the BAFTA awards on Sunday afternoon (12 noon Pacific) but that organization has been more or less woked and Stalinized to death so nobody cares. Then comes the Critics Choice awards on Sunday evening, but they’re also on their own little orbit. Not even nominating Parallel Wives‘ Penelope Cruz for Best Actress constitutes some kind of aesthetic blockage, no?

Directed and co-written by Domee Shi, Turning Red (Pixar, 2.11) is a big deal in Asian-American circles as it focuses on on Meilin “Mei” Lee, a 13-year-old Chinese-Canadian student who lives in Toronto. The basic hook is that Mei “is horrified to discover that whenever she gets too excited or stressed, she turns into a giant red panda.” But the importance of Turning Red is that it’s only the second animated film to feature an Asian lead character, the first being 2009’s Up.

In a recent Cinemablend review, Sean O’Connell wrote that Turning Red seems to have been inspired by Michael J. Fox‘s Teen Wolf (’85). He also said that Turning Red wasn’t his cup of tea. For the crime of saying this, O’Connell was villified yesterday. Asian-American Film Twitter wanted his throat cut.

Angrily disagreeing with a review is par for the course, but calling for a critic to be drawn and quartered is what Stalinist wokesterism is all about.

If Vlady knows “Blueberry Hill” and has the courage to sing it front of a celebrity audience, he could certainly do “Jailhouse Rock.” Imagine!

On 6.18.91 the late Johnny Carson was slapped in the mouth by a Celebes ape — aka a crested black macaque or black ape. His name was “Doc.”

Everyone has seen this clip, I presume,. but the best part, I feel, isn’t the slap but the mimicry stuff that begins around the 3:40 mark.

This is how Hollywood Elsewhere relates to all animals — I talk to them in their language. I meow, I whimper, I moan, I make little noises with my mouth. Basic emotional tone is what matters, but you also have to reach out.

Last night Javier Bardem and Nicole Kidman, costars of Being The Ricardos. were given the Maltin Modern Master award by the Santa Barbara Int’l Film Festival. Inside the Arlington Theatre, I mean. Kidman appeared remotely due to a hamstring injury. The legendary Leonard Maltin himself handled the interviewing honors. It was a generally pleasant evening.

Neither Javier nor Nicole will win in their respective categories — Will Smith will take the Best Actor trophy, and the Best Actress Oscar will be won by either Jessica Chastain or (my fondest wish) Penelope Cruz, aka Mrs. Javier.

But I’d like to nominate or even hand an award to Javier for being the best person nominated in a major category — the kindest and warmest and most accessible fellow in the 2022 Oscar constellation.

Why? It’s all subjective but it comes down to something that happened 15 years ago in Cannes. That would be 2007 — the No Country for Old Men year. Javier and I were sitting on the the Cote d’Azur beach in the evening, and I bummed a Marlboro light from the guy, and as we parted company a few minutes later he gave me another — one to grow on, so to speak. I’ve never forgotten that moment, and that’s why I like him so much.

Update: I’m now thinking I might’ve gotten that wrong. The extra Marlboro Light episode might have happened at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills, either in ’07 or ’08. But what’s the difference?

The Power of the Dog‘s Benedict Cumberbatch (aka “stinky Phil Burbank”) was the big hotshot guest last night at the Santa Barbara Film Festival.

Interviewer Pete Hammond quoted a Vulture contributor who had called Cumberbatch “the new king of celebrity impressionists.”

Cumberbatch shifted in his seat for four or five seconds, and then suddenly decided to attempt an impression of Hammond. It happens at the 00:24 mark: “Oh, God, what have I let myself in for?…hah-hah-hah-hah! Oh…it’s Peter Parker…I mean, Spider, the Spider strange…aaah-hah!”

Jubilant Hammond response while flopping back in his chair: “Huh-hah-hah-HAH! That’s great! I love that, I love that.”

This really, actually happened.

“This situation should never have happened. However, Bank of America worked with me and addressed it to my satisfaction and we have moved on,” Coogler said in a statement to Variety.

Police draw firearm on Marvel’s Black Panther director Ryan Coogler before pulling out the handcuffs. Bank of America employee says “Good Job Officer” as they take him out! pic.twitter.com/O8kKGS8gak

— VideoMixtape.com (@VideoMixtape_) March 10, 2022