I’d like to be able to lie and get away with it, but the truth is this: If I could somehow become the recipient of a sizable amount of Russian cash, I would probably take it and run like a thief. I feel ashamed to admit this.

Kremlin-backed millionaires “can rinse their dirty money clean by buying up the most expensive houses in London,” says @JonathanPieNews, a fictional newscaster created by the British comedian Tom Walker. “It’s how the U.K. makes money.” https://t.co/8JBC3lueAv pic.twitter.com/NAoV7ib0pD

— New York Times Opinion (@nytopinion) March 11, 2022

If Vlady knows “Blueberry Hill” and has the courage to sing it front of a celebrity audience, he could certainly do “Jailhouse Rock.” Imagine!

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Remember the legendary Jen Yamato, one of Hollywood’s leading advocates for Presentism and Tribal Representation, complaining to Joel and Ethan Coen in 2016 about Hail Caesar, which is set in 1951, being almost entirely cast with white people?

Yamato: “I asked the Coens to respond to criticisms that there aren’t more minority characters in the film. In other words, why is #HailCaesarSoWhite?”” In response to which Joel and Ethan basically called Yamato an idiot who knew nothing about how stories are written.

“It’s an absolute, absurd misunderstanding of how things get made to single out any particular story and say, ‘Why isn’t this, that or the other thing [included]?’’ Joel said. ‘It’s a fundamental misunderstanding of how stories are written. So you have to start there and say, ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’

Well, wokester “presentism” is back with an ardor and a vengeance, it would seem. Certain Twitter psychos are complaining that Christopher Nolan‘s currently shooting Oppenheimer is guilty of the same thing. As Cleavon Little might have said in Blazing Saddles, “Hey, where all da black and Asian people at?”

The reason that the cast of Oppenheimer is seemingly all Anglo Saxon is presumably because history tells us that the Manhattan Project principals were entirely Anglo Saxon. Yes, I realize that the real reason is that Nolan is a racist who is foursquare against casting actors of color — he’s not fooling anybody! But at the same time the history of the Manhattan Project has been researched and reported, and it is what it is.

Yolando Machado? Mett Jen Yamato!

On 6.18.91 the late Johnny Carson was slapped in the mouth by a Celebes ape — aka a crested black macaque or black ape. His name was “Doc.”

Everyone has seen this clip, I presume,. but the best part, I feel, isn’t the slap but the mimicry stuff that begins around the 3:40 mark.

This is how Hollywood Elsewhere relates to all animals — I talk to them in their language. I meow, I whimper, I moan, I make little noises with my mouth. Basic emotional tone is what matters, but you also have to reach out.

The Power of the Dog‘s Benedict Cumberbatch (aka “stinky Phil Burbank”) was the big hotshot guest last night at the Santa Barbara Film Festival.

Interviewer Pete Hammond quoted a Vulture contributor who had called Cumberbatch “the new king of celebrity impressionists.”

Cumberbatch shifted in his seat for four or five seconds, and then suddenly decided to attempt an impression of Hammond. It happens at the 00:24 mark: “Oh, God, what have I let myself in for?…hah-hah-hah-hah! Oh…it’s Peter Parker…I mean, Spider, the Spider strange…aaah-hah!”

Jubilant Hammond response while flopping back in his chair: “Huh-hah-hah-HAH! That’s great! I love that, I love that.”

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“I am NOT suicidal! And I am innocent…I did not do this!”

🚨🚨🚨🚨Jussie Smollett would like America to know he's NOT SUICIDAL🚨🚨🚨🚨 pic.twitter.com/vFRtLNm50Y

— crabcrawler (@crabcrawler1) March 11, 2022

Judge James Linn: “You’ve turned your life upside down by your misconduct and shenanigans. You’ve destroyed your life as you knew it. You wanted to get the attention and you were so invested in issues of social justice, and you knew this was a sore spot for everybody in this country… You were throwing a national pity party for yourself. [What you did was the act of a] charlatan…profoundly arrogant and selfish and narcissistic. You’ve turned yourself from riches to rags. Your very name has become an adverb for lying.”

This really, actually happened.

“This situation should never have happened. However, Bank of America worked with me and addressed it to my satisfaction and we have moved on,” Coogler said in a statement to Variety.

Police draw firearm on Marvel’s Black Panther director Ryan Coogler before pulling out the handcuffs. Bank of America employee says “Good Job Officer” as they take him out! pic.twitter.com/O8kKGS8gak

— VideoMixtape.com (@VideoMixtape_) March 10, 2022

All films need to be projected with sufficient light (i.e., 15 foot lamberts) but especially those with a deliberate and intentional dark palette. It’s possible that the reason for the complaints was that the theatre hosting The Batman wasn’t projecting sufficient light. Yes, I’m bending over backwards to allow for the possibility that the people who complained may have been amply motivated. I doubt it, but I’m trying to be generous.

Note: The above photo of a sign explaining that Greenberg refunds would have to be limited was posted within a 4.3.10 article titled “Big Greenberg Divide.”

If I never again hear Kamala Harris nervously laughing in response to a question about Ukrainian refugees, it’ll be too soon.

Originally posted on 3.3.13: “A reading of Stanley Kubrick‘s 9.29.69 screenplay makes it fairly obvious that Napoleon would have had the same vibe as Barry Lyndon, and been spoken the same way and framed and paced the same way.

“Okay, the lead character would be a determined egomaniacal genius instead of an amoral Irish lout and Napoleon would have more than one battle scene, but beyond these and other distinctions we’re talking the same line of country. Everything Kubrick wanted to accomplish or put into Napoleon he put into Lyndon — simple.

“Remember the scene when Ryan O’Neal‘s Lyndon asks the pretty blonde fraulein if he could pay her for a meal, and then the follow-up scene inside her cottage when they carefully and delicately get around to talking about him staying that night and being her lover, etc.?

Consider this scene from Kubrick’s Napoleon — same tone, same idea, same sexual undercurrent. A lonely soldier, a poor young woman, etc.

EXT. LYON STREET – NIGHT

It is a witheringly cold winter night, in Lyon. People, bundled up to the eyes, hurry along the almost deserted street, past empty cafes which are still open. Napoleon, 16 years old, hands deep in his pockets, shoulders hunched against the cold, passes a charming, young street-walker, about his own age. He stops and looks at her, uncertainly. A large snowflake lands on her nose which makes him smile.

GIRL: Good evening, sir.
NAPOLEON: Good evening, Mademoiselle.
GIRL: The weather is terrible, isn’t it, sir?
NAPOLEON: Yes, it is. It must be one of the worst nights we have had this winter.
GIRL: Yes, it must be.

Napoleon is at a loss for conversation.

NAPOLEON: You must be chilled to the bone, standing out of doors like this.
GIRL: Yes, I am, sir.
NAPOLEON: Then what brings you out on such a night?
GIRL: Well, one must do something to live, you know. And I have an elderly mother who depends on me.
NAPOLEON: Oh, I see. That must be a great burden.
GIRL: One must take life as it comes. Do you live in Lyon, sir?
NAPOLEON: No, I’m only here on leave. My regiment is at Valence.
GIRL: Are you staying with a friend, sir?
NAPOLEON: No…I have a…room…at the Hotel de Perrin.
GIRL: Is it a nice warm room, sir?
NAPOLEON: Well, it must be a good deal warmer than it is here on the street.
GIRL: Would you like to take me there, so that we can get warm, sir?
NAPOLEON: Uhhn…yes, of course. If you would like to go there. But I have very little money.
GIRL: Do you have three francs, sir?