No Mystery

Except for a brief period in the late ’90s when I worked at People magazine’s West L.A office, I’ve been working alone in front of a screen for the better part of 30 years. It’s not the screens, of course, but the writing that matters — the devotional discipline that keeps me sane and opens “the doors” from time to time.

And yet the idea of doing little else but staring at screens for the rest of my time on this planet is haunting, to put it mildly. For the better part of 25 years I did a lot of travelling (i.e., mostly film festivals), but that constant sense of renewal and adventure came to a screeching halt when the pandemic hit 17 months ago. Throughout most of ’20 and the first half of ’21 I’ve been feeling the ennui, you bet.

Before Millennial-Zoomer publicists and marketers decided to destroy HE’s column revenue I could work from anywhere in the world — all I needed were my two laptops, iPhone, charging cords and decent wifi access. Nice gig while it lasted. Nowadays I feel like the Count of Monte Cristo, thinking of little else but escape.

Most people are professionally tied down to one thing or another as a rule, and of course they became double tied down when the pandemic killed human life as we all knew it. So it’s not surprising that with things starting to ease up (despite the unfortunate decision by millions of idiot sociopaths to ignore the vaccine and give the Delta variant a leg up), people are looking to live their lives with a little less in the way of screens, streaming, Zooming, home theatres, etc.

Deadline‘s Michael Cieply, posted earlier today: “Maybe, as a group, we are suffering as a culture from ‘screen fatigue’ — we’re tired of Zoom calls, event television, etc. We are really tired of looking at ourselves on media screens, large and small.

“This was happening before Covid. The secular decline in viewers for the Academy Awards program is my own favorite yardstick for the growing ennui. Even before the lockdowns, the Oscar audience was off 57 percent from its peak. It had fallen in stages, from 55.25 million viewers in 1998 (when Titanic was Best Picture) to less than half that number (when Parasite won) last year.”

HE interjection: Last April’s Steven Soderbergh Oscar show was easily the most calamitous Oscar telecast since ceremonies began to be broadcast in the early ’50s. It sucked the life out of everything and everybody, and all but smothered the 90-year-old lore of this annual industry ritual.

Cieply: “Sure, the virus hurt. But it only hastened what was happening anyway — a very human reaction to the confinement of life on screens. People were getting itchy. They wanted to eat. Breathe. Climb rocks. Fall in love. Have babies. Walk the dog.”

Diverse “Exorcist” & Torturing of Ellen Burstyn

At age 88, Ellen Burstyn has been a combination class act and locomotive for over a half-century (and over 60 years if you count her TV work). She shifted into a big-time film career after her performance in Peter Bogdanovich‘s The Last Picture Show, which will celebrate its 50th anniversary on 10.22.21, and she’s managed to star or costar in mostly cool, tasteful, adult-angled dramas (Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, Resurrection, Requiem for a Dream, W., Pieces of a Woman) over the succeeding decades.

And now, God help her, Burstyn has been sucked into costarring in David Gordon Green‘s $400 million Exorcist trilogy.

Not because she’s even vaguely interested in revisiting the character of Chris MacNeil, the Hollywood actress whose daughter turned into a demon in William Friedkin‘s The Exorcist (’73), but because she can’t turn down the huge paycheck. She has to take this gig in the same way that Lionel Barrymore had to allow Edward G. Robinson and his gangster goons to stay in his Key Largo hotel — he couldn’t say no to the money.

Key passage from Brooks Barnes’ 7.26 N.Y. Times story about Universal + Peacock spending over $400 million for three new Exorcist films from director David Gordon Green (“Hollywood Head Spinner: Universal Spends Big for New Exorcist Trilogy“):

“Universal is not remaking The Exorcist, which was directed by Friedkin from a screenplay that William Peter Blatty adapted from his own novel. But the studio will, for the first time, return the Oscar-winning Ms. Burstyn to the franchise. (Two forgettable Exorcist sequels and a prequel were made without her between 1977 and 2004.) Joining her will be Leslie Odom Jr., a Tony winner for Hamilton on Broadway and a double Oscar nominee for One Night in Miami. He will play the father of a possessed child. Desperate for help, he tracks down Ms. Burstyn’s character.”

Odom: “Excuse me…are you Chris MacNeil? My God, it’s you! How are you? Are you good? I’m asking because my daughter’s been possessed by Pazuzu and I’m wondering if you’re up for kicking that demon’s ass like you did back in the early ’70s.”
MacNeil: “I’m fine, thanks, but I didn’t do anything. I persuaded a Jesuit priest named Damien Karras to exorcise the demon, and he asked an older priest, Father Merrin, to help him. I didn’t do a thing. All I did was scream and weep and plead for help.”
Odom: “Yeah but you know all about demons and shit, right? You know how to deal with the moving beds and green vomit and all that. You’re experienced.”
MacNeil: “I don’t know anything. I just went through a horrible ordeal a half-century ago, and now I’m almost 90. Find your own exorcist.”
Odom: “But I need your help.”
MacNeil: “What’s wrong with you? Look at me…what am I gonna do?”

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Official Venice ’21 Roster

Except for Ridley Scott‘s non-competitive The Last Duel, most of the headliners for the 78th Venice Film Festival (9.1 thru 9.11, announced this morning) had been predicted or spitballed by HE and World of Reel‘s Jordan Ruimy. The surprise omission of Andrew Dominik‘s Blonde is significant.

Major Competition (13): Parallel Mothers, d: Pedro Almodovar; Mona Lisa and the Blood Moon, d: Ana Lily Amirpour, The Power of the Dog, d: Jane Campion, Official Competition, d: Gaston Depart, Mariano Cohn; Il Buco, d: Michelangelo Frammartino; Sundown, d: Michel Franco; The Lost Daughter, d: Maggie Gyllenhaal; Spencer, d: Pablo Larrain; Freaks Out, d: Gabriele Mainetti; Leave No Traces, d: Jan P. Matuszyski; The Card Counter, d: Paul Schrader; The Hand of God,” d: Paolo Sorrentino; Reflection, d: Valentin Vasyanovych; La Caja, d: Lorenzo Vigas.

Major Out of Competition (5): Les Choses Humaines, d: Yvan Attal; Halloween Kills, d: David Gordon Green; The Last Duel, d: Ridley Scott; Dune, d: Denis Villeneuve; Last Night in Soho, d: Edgar Wright.

Absence of “Blonde”

I’ve been waiting a long while to see Andrew Dominik‘s Blonde (Netflix), an adaptation of Joyce Carol Oates’ semi-fictional take on the life of Marilyn Monroe, played in the film by Ana de Armas.

Like Oates’ book, Dominik’s screenplay is semi-truthful in terms of acknowledging significant players in Monroe’s life. Adrien Brody plays a seemingly Arthur Miller-like playwright, Bobby Cannavale plays what sounds like a Joe DiMaggio figure, and Casper Phillipson (who played JFK in Pablo Larrain’s Jackie) is “the President” in Dominik’s film. Plus Tony Curtis and James Dean (played by Michael Masini and Luke Whoriskey) are supporting characters.

As it is (a) seriously intended, (b) began shooting in ‘19, and (c) has had plenty of time to fiddle around in post, I naturally presumed Blonde would turn up at one or both of the premiere ‘21 film festivals, Venice and Telluride. Alas, I’m told this isn’t in the cards. I’m sorry to hear this. Blonde will presumably pop on Netflix sometime in the fall.

“Midnight” Rewrite?

I still don’t get Anna Fitzpatrick‘s insincere (jokey) disdain for Woody Allen’s decadeold literary fantasy. Owen Wilson’s character imagines magical encounters with 1920s “lost generation” luminaries because he idolizes them along with the era they helped define. There’s nothing wrong with or incomplete about the set-up — Fitzpatrick is just pissing on Allen because his pariah status among progressive Millennial women allows her to dismiss his creations willy-nilly.

Apologies

…to creator of this poster art (found on Twitter) for failing to copy or write down his name. Cameron Crowe’s family + struggling zoo + heart discovery drama is almost a decade old, but in today’s realm Black Widow would never play a secondary role…star or strong costar or nothing.

Repulsion and Contempt

Leos Carax‘s Annette, which premiered almost three weeks ago (7.6) at the Cannes Film Festival, will be given a limited theatrical release in the U.S. on 8.6.21, followed by a digital streaming debut on Amazon Prime Video on 8.20.21.

I watched Annette last night. It’s an arthouse doozy that leaves you stunned and astonished, lemme tell ya. There’s plenty of time to write a proper review, but I tapped out a short riff this morning and shared it with two or three friends.

“Only the most perverse, anti-populist critics will even flirt with being kind to, much less praising, Annette when it opens stateside,” I wrote. “Once you get past the strikingly surreal visual style and the fact that it was, like, made at all, there is only the self-loathing rage of Adam Driver’s Henry McHenry character, a stand-up comedian, and Carax’s seething disdain for easily led-along audiences.

Annette is ‘brave’ and wildly out there, but this is arguably the most morally repellent musical ever made in motion picture history. Driver’s Henry, an envelope-pushing comedian who performs one-man shows that aren’t in the least bit amusing, is astounding — one of the most flagrantly revolting protagonists I’ve ever spent time with in my moviegoing life.

“Remember the rickety, old fashioned idea of a lead character having some sort of relatable qualities that an audience might bond with? Even Al Pacino‘s Michael Corleone had relatables in The Godfather, Part II, and he was an ice man. Driver is playing a kind of sociopathic Jack the Ripper figure. The movie is mostly about him and barely pays attention to Marion Cotillard‘s Ann, an opera singer who marries Henry (and vice versa), and gives birth to their daughter.”

“Annette is a misanthropic rock opera about rabid egotism, demonic personality disorder, black soul syndrome, rage, alcoholism, murder, self-loathing, self-destruction.”

Critic who strongly disagrees: “For daring, imagination, energy, it’s the film of the year so far. Fuck populism.”

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“Jungle Cruise” vs. “African Queen” Issues

It’s been obvious to anyone with eyes, ears and half a brain that Jaume Collet-Serra‘s Jungle Cruise (Disney, 7.30) is both an homage and an insult to the lore of John Huston‘s The African Queen (’51).

Jungle Cruise costars Dwayne Johnson and Emily Blunt have made no secret of the fact that their respective characters, “Skipper” Frank Wolff and Dr. Lily Houghton, are roughly modelled on Charlie Allnut and Rose Sayer, the Queen characters played 70-odd years ago by Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn. And of course the basic set-ups are similar.

Of course, Serra and Cruise cowriters Michael Green, Glenn Ficarra and John Requa never had the slightest intention in making the soon-to-open Disney release into any kind of African Queen companion piece. They intended, in fact, to lampoon (i.e., fool around with) the 1951 original, and thereby cheapen it to some extent.

Jungle Cruise is obviously adhering to a classic formula — a flawed male alpha figure in the front-and-center position with a spirited woman of refinement and sensitivity who steps in and gradually ups his game.

Jungle Cruise boilerplate: “Frank, a boat captain, takes his sister and her brother on a mission into a jungle to find a tree believed to possess healing powers. All the while, the trio must fight against dangerous wild animals and a competing German expedition.”

I’ve said this before, but the trailers have made it clear that Jungle Cruise is exactly the kind of ultra-synthetic, X-treme adventure, CG overload, Indiana Jones-aspiring, family-friendly megaplex film that, in my mind, is killing the idea of conveying real big-screen adventure. And no one gives a damn.

A couple of weeks ago Yahoo Entertainment’s Ethan Alter interviewed Humphrey Bogart’s son, Stephen Bogart. The piece was about his father’s legacy and particularly that of The African Queen.

“I never really thought of it as a comedy,” Bogart tells Alter. “[My dad’s] relationship with Katie is funny, even if they don’t play it as funny.” Actually Hepburn and Bogart do play it for the amusement factor as far as that goes, and they do what they can to stoke the unusual romantic current that develops between them.

As you might expect, Alter gets into the p.c. factor — could The African Queen (which is set German East Africa in 1914) be remade today? By today’s standards, he notes, the most notable omission in Huston’s film “is the lack of any Black characters in significant roles.”

Alter declines to mention that Jungle Cruise, also set around the same time period (i.e., “early 20th Century”), has no major Black characters either — the costars are Jack Whitehall, Édgar Ramírez, Jesse Plemons and Paul Giamatti.

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McCuddy Greaseburger

The other day HE commenter Bill McCuddy said he wants Patreon paywall posts to make him hard and wet. For $5 a month McCuddy wants thrills, backrubs, shocks, surprises, accelerations, sugar highs. He wants these posts to be the equivalent of visiting a water park in mid July or riding a pogo stick in the West Village or getting a Las Vegas strip club lap dance…okay, forget the lap dance as Bill is happily married. But certainly the HE equivalent of eating the most delicious greaseburger ever prepared in human history…a sizzling hot McCuddy burger, medium rare, covered in sautéed red onions, gently smeared with a dab of Russian dressing, red leaf lettuce, warm sesame seed bun…mouth watering, lip-smacking, blackened by flame!

McCuddy wants complimentary neck-wattle surgery, thrills, excitement, heavy breathing, face lifts…a feeling of being throttled into space or on some riveting journalistic adventure. He wants dance numbers, surfing contests, big waves, fast cars and motorcycles that rumble and grumble and go tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk-TUK-TUK! McCuddy wants HE Patreon posts to make him feel like sticking his head out of the passenger window at 85 mph like Al Pacino and going “hoo-hahhh!”

McCuddy also wants HE Patreon posts to give him a perfect neck massage plus a combination manicure-and-pedicure, but at a discount. He also wants HE Patreon posts to shift the cultural tectonic plates…he wanrs them to be an in-depth N.Y. Times Magazine piece about climate change, or a Michael Wolff Times piece about the likelihood of Donald Trump running again in ’24. McCuddy wants value, emotion, intrigue, suspense.

And he doesn’t want any old-hat stuff…no memories or reflections about things or trends that happened 10 or 20 years ago or eternal truisms about whatever…he wants THE NEXT BIG THING, and right now…he wants dry cleaning, expensive socks, stock tips, stock options, car tune-ups, limo rides, flights to Belize and Switzerland and Dubai…and he wouldn’t mind special discounted deals on high-end Bruno Magli shoes.

No Compliments for the Waitress

Yesterday Paul Schrader wrote about admiring a waitress with “radiant” cafe au lait skin, and so he said “you have beautiful skin.” Paul’s wife and son were with him, and Paul’s not exactly a young buck on the prowl so he figured “I’m harmless so where’s the harm in sharing a discreet compliment?”

I’ll tell him where the harm is. The harm is in the fact that he’s an older white guy, and a decent percentage of urban progressive women (teens to mid 30s and perhaps beyond) would just as soon explode his life into smithereens as look at him. I’m not kidding. Guys like Paul Schrader are deer, and it’s deer hunting season everywhere right now, and if the Schraders of the world want to be dead all they have to do is give the “hunters” a reason to get out their high-powered social media rifles and fire at them.

There are only two options in your potential dealings with younger attractive women in any professional environment (including restaurants or bars), and that’s to (a) treat them with the utmost politeness and respect, and (b) think of them as overweight male Armenian garbage collectors who haven’t bathed in a couple of days.

Get this into your stupid thick head and keep it there: There are no attractive women out there — they don’t exist — and if you ignore this rule there’s a good chance you’ll be bruised, wounded or killed sooner or later. For if you convey the slightest appreciation of some aspect of their physical allure you are asking for trouble, and I mean potentially big trouble.

Tatiana says that complimenting a woman on her skin is too intimate if you’ve only just met her. Saying she has lovely skin isn’t quite like saying she has a great ass or nice breasts, but it’s in that vicinity. You can compliment a waitress on what she’s wearing — ring, bracelet, necklace, perfume — but no comments about her physicality. You can compliment a female relative or the wife of a friend on having nice skin, but not a waitress.

There’s only one safe way to tell a waitress that you approve of her, and that’s to leave her a large tip. Any other expression of approval will leave you open for Twitter assassination, Facebook sniping, TikTok takedowns, lawsuits, screaming fights in the parking lot and whatnot. Just shut up and order the food and that’s all. Remember — she’s an Armenian garbage collector, she’s wearing stained work overalls and lace-up work boots, and she weighs 285 pounds. Oh, wait…sorry!

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