Tallulah Beaver Tale Never Made Sense

We’ve all heard the famous story about Tallulah Bankhead flashing hairpie during the making of Alfred Hitchcock‘s Lifeboat (’44), and Hitch’s reply when told that some guys on the crew had complained and that he needed to ask Bankhead to show a little modesty. “Not my job,” Hitch allegedly replied. “This could be a situation for wardrobe, or it could be a makeup issue or perhaps even one for hairdressing.”

For me this story never quite lands because no sane or rational-minded Hollywood crew person (sound-stage professionals were entirely male in those days) would ever complain about being flashed. Who would be anti-social or arrogant or priggish enough to complain about such a thing? Ludicrous.

Another version of the incident (offered by Steve Hayes) was that the complaint came from a woman affiliated with the Catholic Legion of Decency who was visiting the set. But since when did such a person have anything to say about behavior or work practices during the shooting of a film? The Catholic Legion of Decency was about judging the moral nature of films awaiting theatrical release…right?

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Why The Godz Respect Paul Thomas Anderson

A month ago Licorice Pizza‘s Paul Thomas Anderson told N.Y. Times Hollywood columnist Kyle Buchanan (aka “The Projectionist”) that he doesn’t believe in presentism, or the current industry-wide aesthetic that requires all films set in the past to reflect 2021 values and culture, especially concerning racial matters.

Anderson to Buchanan: “I think it would be a mistake to tell a period film through the eyes of 2021. You can’t have a crystal ball…you have to be honest to that time.”

And of course, he and the film have taken hits from wokester fanatics about “casual racism” blah blah, etc.

How many other name-brand directors would even consider saying “you have to be honest to the time period in question, which means not necessarily integrating your film with current wokester sensibilities”? Answer: Very few — Martin Scorsese, Paul Schrader, Roman Polanski, Oliver Stone and you tell me how many others**.

Over the last four or five years the vast majority of helmers (The Tender Bar‘s George Clooney, The Green Knight‘s David Lowery and Cyrano‘s Joe Wright are three recent examples) have become fools for presentism, if for no other reason than to simply keep out of control.

99% of film critics and essayists won’t even mention presentism. Jordan Ruimy: “Except for Armond White and damn few others, today’s film critics would never dare tackle woke casting in any review they write. It’s blatantly obvious in many movies today, but it’s an unwritten rule to never talk about it.”

I’ve said this 67 times so far, and here comes the sixty-eighth: Intimate relationships between older persons and teenagers are totally verboten, of course. The law is the law. But the in-and-out romantic current between Licorize Pizza‘s Alana Haim and Connor Hoffman, which never involves any kind of sexual activity, is totally fine.

I was once 15, and if a 20something girl I’d been daydreaming about had winked at me and left the door ajar for some possible forthcoming action down the road…are you kidding? That would have been wondrous, glorious, etc. Older males who say or do the wrong thing in the presence of a minor deserve everything that comes from that…different rule book. But a 20something Valley girl and a precocious dude in his mid teens? Fine…don’t sweat it.

** Joel Coen was a non-believer in presentism until he made The Tragedy of Macbeth. The idea, of course, was to not have Denzel Washington be the only Scotsman of color (SOC) in the film.

Geekdogs of London Reflections

For years this photo, taken somewhere in central London during a June 2013 press junket for Edgar Wright‘s The World’s End, has tickled my brain. I can’t get it out of my head. There’s something about the communal gaiety of these obedient Wright fanboys, ecstatic and euphoric about hanging with their hero + their place on the promotional gravy-train express…I keep coming back to it.

If only I’d managed to become (or at least simulate being) a Wright worshipper, I too might have been part of one of the most iconic (and odious?) Hollywood fraternity photos of the 20teens….if only I hadn’t triple-hated Scott Pilgrim vs. The World…if only Baby Driver (three-quarters of which I genuinely liked) had come out before The World’s End…a lot of variables.

Who am I kidding? I’ve never felt much of an aesthetic kinship with the fellows in this photo…well, now and then & here and there as it might be, depending on the film, but they’re basically genre & fantasy geeks and fools for Wright and I’ll never be either…and even if I’d been there I probably would have avoided posing for this shot, not being a drinker and all.

Wright might some day make another film that works as well as Baby Driver…maybe. Last Night in Soho sure as hell missed the mark in more ways than one, and so he’s “down” right now. But he’ll be back on his feet before long.


(l. to. r) Hitfix’s Drew McWeeny, Todd Brown of Twitch, Edgar Wright of A Fistful of Fingers, Harry Knowles of Ain’t It Cool News, Jordan Hoffman of Screencrush, Devin Faraci of Badass Digest, Germain Lussier of Slashfilm, Alex Billington of First Showing, Eric Vespe of Ain’t It Cool News, Silas Lesnick of Coming Soon and Steve “Frosty” Weintraub of Collider.

What Do The Simple Folk Think?

Generally speaking the disparity between critic and audience scores on Rotten Tomatoes, Metacritic and IMDB is fairly consistent. More of than not it’s (a) critics are fine with a film but the audience isn’t or (b) vice versa.

How then to explain the different audience scores for Kenneth Branagh‘s Belfast? 91 on Rotten Tomatoes, 7.4 on IMDB, and 63 on Metacritic — a 28-point spread between Metacritic and RT!

Jordan Ruimy: “The readership for Metacritic tends to be a little more highbrow than Rotten Tomatoes.” More than a little, I’d say, when it comes to Belfast.

Critics mean nothing these days. 90% are woke sheep, herd mentality whores. Audience scores are what finally count in the end.

Beale’s 2021 Milestones

Yesterday Hollywood hotshot and cultural pulse-taker Lewis Beale sent his annual movie milestone list. I’ve included HE counter-opinions in some instances. Here, again, is HE’s 12.19.21 list of the year’s 30 finest films.

The Best: ‘Riders of Justice,’ ‘Pig,’ ‘Prayers for the Stolen,’ ‘A Hero,’ ‘The Power of the Dog,’ ‘The Hand of God,’ ‘Licorice Pizza’.” / HE: I have to presume Beale hasn’t seen “Parallel Mothers.”

The Worst: ‘Annette,’ ‘Cry Macho,’ ‘The Many Saints of Newark,’ ‘The Tomorrow War,’ ‘The Woman In the Window,’ ‘Titane,’ ‘Bliss,’ ‘The Lost Daughter,’ ‘The Mitchells vs. The Machines,’ ‘The Unforgivable.’

Overrated: ‘Passing,’ ‘In the Heights,’ ‘Drive My Car,’ ‘Petite Maman’.

Underrated: ‘Benedetta,’ ‘The Eyes of Tammy Faye’

Guilty Pleasures: ‘Godzilla vs. Kong,’ ‘Copshop’

Biggest Disappointment: ‘Summer of Soul’ (too much talk, not enough music)

Films You Couldn’t Make Me Watch Even If You Waterboarded Me: ‘The French Dispatch,’ ‘Ghostbusters: Afterlife,’ ‘Halloween Kills,’ anything from the MCU. / HE insists that this year Beale got it wrong about the MCU, and I’m saying an an MCU hater for the most part — SpiderMan: No Way Home really and truly hits a grand slam during its final hour.

If Pornhub Were In the Feature Film Business: ‘Bad Luck Banging Or Loony Porn’ (Yes, this is the title of a real Romanian film)

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Chalk on Blackboard?

According to a 12.20 article by Kenneth Partridge, the disdain for Paul McCartney‘s “Wonderful Christmas Time” (’79) has never ebbed. Anyone whose musical tastes are the least bit refined is probably a hater. I don’t blame them, but you can’t visit any Bloomies or Nordstrom or a department store of any kind during the holidays and not hear it played repeatedly.

Yes, of course — John Lennon‘s “And So This Is Christmas” is a much better tune, by any criteria you’d care to mention. But I’ll bet Macca’s is the most popular among the hoi polloi.

Of the three songs below, my guilty-pleasure favorite is “Christmas Time Is Here Again.” I’m sorry but it’s infectious.

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Honest Agreement

I never thought I’d say that Marvel honcho Kevin Feige, whom I’ve regarded as a demonic force over the last seven or eight years… I never thought I’d wholeheartedly endorse the idea of a Spider-Man film being nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, but right now I agree with him.

Out Of The Woods

I’ve taken my temperature three or four times today, and right now it’s 97.9. I don’t quite feel at peak strength, but I’m past the worst of the Omicron seige. This is the first day since last Tuesday that I haven’t wanted to sleep like a corpse. In fact I’ve been standing at my desk for eight hours.

I thought I might start to climb out of it yesterday (Thursday) but Omicon rallied and refused to back down. But it’s mostly gone today, or is certainly receding. It was a bear for about two and a half days. I couldn’t do anything but sleep, night or day. I managed to tap some stuff out on the phone, okay, but sitting up was out of the question.

I’ve been told, by the way, that my grandfather name is “papa” — the same name that my father embraced when Jett and Dylan were young. I guess I’m okay with it, but can’t Sutton just call me Jeff? How any grandfather could accept being called “gramps” or “grandpappy” or “boompah”…Jesus!