Forget narratives, Movie Godz, Derek Cianfrance, Funny or Die…staff meeting videos are everything, all of it…the finality and totality. Miles Fisher, the Tom Cruise-like agency honcho, is really good. Directed by Dave Green, written by Henry Gayden, produced by Ryan Hendricks.

David Lynch‘s Crazy Clown Time is…what is it? Definitely about young bouncy breasts in a dark backyard. Angsty metallic garage band sounds. Whose back yard? Those wood beams slamming into barbage cans…aaah, man! Big barbecue flames. Two blondes and a brunette. Floundering. Crazy Clown Time album out now.

A Cannes Film Festival blogger is claiming to have glimpsed a rundown of the 2012 official competition slate, and has posted the list. Take with a grain of salt, etc., but these selections seem real, make sense.

[Text capture courtesy of Sasha Stone]: “Une indiscretion a brievement filtre sur le site officiel du Festival de Cannes avant d’etre retiree en hate : la liste OFFICIELLE des films qui seront presentes en competition. La selection ne devait etre annoncee que le 19 avril:

“Trois constats : le retour en force du cin√©ma americain, la large representation du cinema asiatique et 80 ans d’ecart entre le plus jeune et le plus age des selectionnes! (Dolan / De oliveira, ou est-ce l’inverse?)

“Voici donc les titres en competition (24 au lieu de 20 l’an dernier) en totale avant-premiere meme si nous attendrons la conference de presse le 19 avril pour avoir confirmation.”

“I consider Comic-Con, the annual San Diego geek festival, an insidious and reductive force in pop culture,” writes Marshall Fine. “[And] I am aggressively opposed to the mentality that has turned Comic-Con into the force that seems to guide Hollywood. But I had a super time watching ‘s Comic-Con Episode IV: A Fan’s Hope.”

“I came out vastly entertained, admiring all over again the intelligence and humanity with which Spurlock imbues each of his films. He’s a filmmaker who always has a unique angle, a different take, a sense of compassion and wit — all of which make Comic-Con” an insightful and just plain surprising documentary.

“It’s not that Spurlock isn’t out to show the massive weirdness and frothing fanboy gush that Comic-Con is. He does — in spades. But he also wants to show the diversity and dedication of the [faithful].

“The only thing missing is the downside…[the fact that ComicCon] has polluted the movie industry, turning the studios into factories manufacturing mindless comic-book, action and horror movies in pursuit of a narrow demographic. The studios’ slavish attention to the Comic-Con audience has caused any number of misfires, movies that killed at Comic-Con and died in the marketplace.”

I watched last night’s Mad Men episode (i.e., fat Betty might have cancer…whoops, false alarm) and heard Don Draper say that the Rolling Stones did a commercial “for cereal in England…three years ago” (i.e., 1963). Until this morning, I never knew it was actually true.

YouTube comments so far….

“Wake up in the morning, holy fuck this ad sucks. Wake up in the morning, Mick Jagger‘s such a schmuck. Wake up in the morning, this should have ended the Stones’ careers. Wake up in the morning, Rice Krispies can suck a dick.”

“I just lost all respect for the Stones. Damn you, Mad Men!”

“I always knew they were fucking idiots, but this proves it. At least other pop stars do ads for beer or cars. These guys do it for rice filled with air at $5 per pound. You can buy steak for that.”

“Knowing all the facts.” — William S. Burroughs.

“As a news anchor, you’ve almost religiously avoided stating a political allegiance. The Jay Leno of news anchors. You’re popular because you don’t bother anyone. How do you feel about that?” And then: “Are you willing to say whether you lean right or left? I’m not letting you go back to the airport without answering the question. I want a human moment from you.”

In short, Aaron Sorkin‘s The Newsroom, which begins on 6.24, feels like Network in 2012. It feels like heaven. I can’t wait.

A YouTube commenter named karbin89 responds as follows: “A news anchor knows some facts and isn’t just a giant idiot with a good speaking voice? Please, this is just too high fantasy. I’ll stick with realistic characters like Ron Burgundy.”

“The series chronicles the behind-the-scenes events at a fictional cable news channel and features an ensemble cast that includes Jeff Daniels as news anchor, Will MacAvoy, who, together with his staff, set out to put on a news show “in the face of corporate and commercial obstacles and their own personal entanglements.”

“Other cast members include Emily Mortimer, Jane Fonda, Alison Pill, Dev Patel, John Gallagher, Jr., Olivia Munn, Thomas Sadoski and Sam Waterston.

“HBO ordered a pilot in January 2011 and then a full series eight months later. Sorkin did his research for the series by observing several real-world cable news programs first hand.” (And by hanging out with Keith Olbermann, I read or heard somewhere.) “He serves as executive producer, along with Scott Rudin and Alan Poul.”

These are the two scenes in Paul Mazursky‘s Next Stop Greenwich Village (both having to do with an abortion) that told me Chris Walken was someone else. Walken looks like he’s 22 or something. He was 32.

I went to dinner with friends a noche, and I was reminded that there are three things you should never do when you’re out for food on a weekend night in Los Angeles.

One, avoid clubby hipster places that are crowded and darkly lighted because they always attract socially aggressive under-35 types, and with the always oppressive house music the conversation levels are always really loud and assaultive. Always try to eat at unhip, semi-shlubby places that are past their prime.

Two, never sit next to a table of younger women numbering four or more. Once they’ve had their second glass of wine they always start giggling and whooping it up and shrieking. In fact, avoid sitting next to any groups of any gender or age. It’s better to eat fast food on the sidewalk.

And three, never send a dish back to the kitchen. I once worked at a short-order burger joint, and if the chef was in a bad mood he would spit saliva or phlegm or boogers into a dish before returning it to the customer. If you don’t like the way your food tastes just send it back and don’t ask for anything else. And make sure you can see the bartender prepare your next drink, just in case.

The guy upstairs always plays something loud and irritating on his speaker system around 7:30 am. A few days ago he was playing house music. (Who listens to music on speakers these days? What apartment dweller doesn’t realize that boom-box music seeps through walls?) This morning he was listening to Whitney Houston singing an a capella version of Amazing Grace. Verse after verse after verse after verse after verse. This is my life.

This iPhone/iPad/Android/Blackberry app is presumably an April Fool’s thing. But would it be wildly out of character if Steven Spielberg were to endorse a chain of this type? He’s been involved in theme-park promotions and TV spinoffs based on his films. It wouldn’t be much of a stretch. No Schindler’s List chili fries, of course, and probably no Lincoln dogs, but this kind of thing would be right up his alley.

Super-scale, CG onslaught, urban destruction, chunks of plaster, shards of glass, super-heroes with dry, flip attitudes…whoa. I’m not the only one getting a Transformers 3 vibe from this. And a distinct feeling that it contains no serious surprises.