This may sound cynical or disparaging, but I honestly believe that Quentin Tarantino, who knows how to write flamboyant shitkicker dialogue better than anyone, could take this news story and make a feature from it. He could cast some gone-to-seed exploitation actress from the ’80s as Jeanette Morris, and Michael Parks as Michael Anderson. He’s a master at dragging scenes out interminably. He could easily make this story into a 95-minute film. And doing this would get him out of the historical revenge rut he’s in. I’m perfectly serious. It would be good.

A couple of hours ago Awards Daily‘s Sasha Stone and I discussed this morning’s Oscar nomination shockers. I’ve actually loaded two files — here’s Part 1 and Part 2. The Bigelow and Affleck snubs and how no Oscar pundits saw this coming, the Jacki Weaver surprise, why Michael Haneke got in as Best Director, Kris Tapley‘s misplaced faith in The Intouchables, etc.

I’m not sorry that we blabbed on for an hour and two minutes. We had a lot to cover. Update: Sorry for making a loading mistake earlier. The mp3s have finally been loaded correctly. I’m an idiot.

Nominated Treasury Secretary Jack Lew took some heat yesterday for his loopy, illegible signature. Let me explain something. Nobody’s signature makes any sense. Signatures are stylistic logos. If you’re over the age of 15 or so people will think less of you if your signature is halfway readable. I worked on mine when I was in the eighth grade. I experimented and practiced until I got it right, you bet.

Jack Lew’s signature.

My signature.

Stephen Rodrick‘s “Here Is What Happens When You Cast Lindsay Lohan in Your Movie” (NY Times, 1.10.13), a chronicle of Paul Schrader‘s agonizing ordeal with Lohan and The Canyons, is the best making-of-a-disaster piece I’ve read in years. It’s so tightly written that it hums.

After a rough cut of The Canyons is screened for friends at the Brill building, “Schrader’s friends were noncommittal, but Schrader was ecstatic,” the article reads. “We adjourned to a nearby bar. He was certain the film would get into the Sundance Film Festival. Maybe they’d recoup their investment tenfold.

“‘We thought this was going to be My Dinner With Andre, but it’s a real film. We [expletive] did it.”

“But this was The Canyons so the ending couldn’t be that smooth. I flew back to Los Angeles and watched the film a few days later with Ellis and Pope. Ellis was the least impressed.

“‘The film is so languorous. It’s an hour 30, and it seems like it’s three hours long. I saw this as a pranky noirish thriller, but Schrader turned it into, well, a Schrader film.’

“Pope and Ellis agreed that the opening scene wasn’t working. Pope called Schrader about reshooting it, and he was angrily dismissed.

“‘We could shoot it again for $15,000 in a day,’ Pope said. Then he corrected himself. ‘Well, with Lindsay, we’d have to budget two days, but it’s doable. But he won’t do it.’

“He was right. Schrader wouldn’t hear of it. And for good reason. It took two months and the quasi intervention of Lohan’s father to get Lohan to finish two hours of looping for the outdoor scenes. In the interim, Lohan punched a psychic, was accused of hitting a pedestrian in New York, was under investigation by the I.R.S. and watched her parents melt down on a very special episode of Dr. Phil.

“Meanwhile, Ellis, Pope and Schrader battled over the film’s final cut. Pope screened a rough cut of The Canyons for Steven Soderbergh. Intrigued, Soderbergh offered to do an edit of the movie if he was given the footage for 72 hours.

“Schrader said no.

“I met him one last time in Toronto, where he was working on the film’s soundtrack with the Canadian musician Brendan Canning. He had just learned that the film had not been accepted by Sundance — the film is scheduled to be put up for sale by William Morris Endeavor later this month — and was in a fouler-than-usual mood.

“‘The idea of 72 hours is a joke,’ Schrader said. ‘It would take him 72 hours to look at all the footage. And you know what Soderbergh would do if another director offered to cut his film?'”

Just try going through three months of being called a delusional loony-tune and hearing that your favorite film has no shot at anything except Best Actress. Just try doing that and then maintaining neutrality when the tables turn. (Excerpt captured at Eric Lundegaard.com.]

The working theory of the moment (at 7:30 am Pacific) is that the face-slap exclusion of Zero Dark Thirty‘s Kathryn Bigelow for Best Director — a nomination that every living soul on the planet said was absolutely guaranteed — means there has to be some sort of make-up, some kind of atonement. Atonement #1 is that ZD30‘s Mark Boal now has the edge to win in the Best Original Screenplay category. Atonement #2 — a total hipshoot call — is that Zero Dark Thirty itself might gain in the Best Picture race.

“Will controversy and the directing snub of Bigelow KO Zero Dark Thirty‘s ultimate chances?,” Deadline’s Pete Hammond wrote in a 10:33 am posting. “It’s possible, but the Academy could decide to make a statement about the rights and freedom of artists to make movies their way — and not the way the government or CIA might like.”

Yes, Lincoln will almost surely win Best Picture. I know it, everyone knows it, we’re all resigned. But if other columnists and guest contributors join me in my ongoing, never-say-die…no, I don’t mean that. Not really. I don’t have anything new to say about Lincoln at this stage. I’d just be repeating myself. But whatever works!

The eight nominations for Silver Linings Playbook is the best Oscar thing to happen to mei and Hollywood Elsewhere since Roman Polanski won the Best Director Oscar for The Pianist.

I was expecting to feel really badly this morning. Now not so much. The nominations are what matter & what sells so hooray for David O. Russell‘s Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay nominations for Silver Linings Playbook, and also Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Robert De Niro and Jackie Weaver‘s noms — four for effing four. Eight nominations in all. That’s industry emotion. I knew. And I stood alone, all alone, against an army of haters who are now silent and seething. Bitches!

Congratulations to the Queen of Oscar Land, Lisa Taback!!!

As I tweeted 14 minutes ago, “Lincoln will win Best Picture, but at least hard cases like N.Y. Post critic Lou Lumenick are actively pondering the highly unlikely fantasy of Silver Linings Playbook winning.”

I’m personally sorry for the sake of the Best Director snubbees: Argo‘s Ben Affleck, Zero Dark Thirty‘s Kathryn Bigelow. I guess that’s it for Argo and ZD30 as Best Picture contenders…but maybe not in the latter case. Congrats to Mark Boal for his Best Original Screenplay nomination, which (just guessing) he’ll probably win as a compensation for the Bigelow snub. I’ll obviously be delighted if ZD30 wins BP. But the Kathryn shutdown means the haters stopped enough people from voting for her.

Not sorry about Django‘s Quentin Tarantino being left out.

A surprised congrats to Beasts of the Southern Wild for its Best Picture nomination, and particularly its director, Benh Zeitlin, and lead actress, Quvenzhane Wallis.

Best motion picture of the year:
“Amour” Nominees to be determined
“Argo” Grant Heslov, Ben Affleck and George Clooney, Producers
“Beasts of the Southern Wild” Dan Janvey, Josh Penn and Michael Gottwald, Producers
“Django Unchained” Stacey Sher, Reginald Hudlin and Pilar Savone, Producers
“Les Misérables” Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner, Debra Hayward and Cameron Mackintosh, Producers
“Life of Pi” Gil Netter, Ang Lee and David Womark, Producers
“Lincoln” Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy, Producers
“Silver Linings Playbook” Donna Gigliotti, Bruce Cohen and Jonathan Gordon, Producers
“Zero Dark Thirty” Mark Boal, Kathryn Bigelow and Megan Ellison, Producers

Best Achievement in directing:
“Amour” Michael Haneke
“Beasts of the Southern Wild” Benh Zeitlin
“Life of Pi” Ang Lee
“Lincoln” Steven Spielberg
“Silver Linings Playbook” David O. Russell

Best Performance by an actor in a leading role:
Bradley Cooper in “Silver Linings Playbook”
Daniel Day-Lewis in “Lincoln”
Hugh Jackman in “Les Misérables”
Joaquin Phoenix in “The Master”
Denzel Washington in “Flight”

Best Performance by an actor in a supporting role:
Alan Arkin in “Argo”
Robert De Niro in “Silver Linings Playbook”
Philip Seymour Hoffman in “The Master”
Tommy Lee Jones in “Lincoln”
Christoph Waltz in “Django Unchained”

Best Performance by an actress in a leading role:
Jessica Chastain in “Zero Dark Thirty”
Jennifer Lawrence in “Silver Linings Playbook”
Emmanuelle Riva in “Amour”
Quvenzhané Wallis in “Beasts of the Southern Wild”
Naomi Watts in “The Impossible”

Best Performance by an actress in a supporting role:
Amy Adams in “The Master”
Sally Field in “Lincoln”
Anne Hathaway in “Les Misérables”
Helen Hunt in “The Sessions”
Jacki Weaver in “Silver Linings Playbook”

Best animated feature film of the year:
“Brave” Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman
“Frankenweenie” Tim Burton
“ParaNorman” Sam Fell and Chris Butler
“The Pirates! Band of Misfits” Peter Lord
“Wreck-It Ralph” Rich Moore

Best Achievement in cinematography:
“Anna Karenina” Seamus McGarvey
“Django Unchained” Robert Richardson
“Life of Pi” Claudio Miranda
“Lincoln” Janusz Kaminski
“Skyfall” Roger Deakins

Best Achievement in costume design:
“Anna Karenina” Jacqueline Durran
“Les Misérables” Paco Delgado
“Lincoln” Joanna Johnston
“Mirror Mirror” Eiko Ishioka
“Snow White and the Huntsman” Colleen Atwood

Best documentary feature:
“5 Broken Cameras”
Emad Burnat and Guy Davidi
“The Gatekeepers”
Nominees to be determined
“How to Survive a Plague”
Nominees to be determined
“The Invisible War”
Nominees to be determined
“Searching for Sugar Man”
Nominees to be determined

Best documentary short subject:
“Inocente”
Sean Fine and Andrea Nix Fine
“Kings Point”
Sari Gilman and Jedd Wider
“Mondays at Racine”
Cynthia Wade and Robin Honan
“Open Heart”
Kief Davidson and Cori Shepherd Stern
“Redemption”
Jon Alpert and Matthew O’Neill

Best Achievement in film editing:
“Argo” William Goldenberg
“Life of Pi” Tim Squyres
“Lincoln” Michael Kahn
“Silver Linings Playbook” Jay Cassidy and Crispin Struthers
“Zero Dark Thirty” Dylan Tichenor and William Goldenberg

Best foreign language film of the year:
“Amour” Austria
“Kon-Tiki” Norway
“No” Chile
“A Royal Affair” Denmark
“War Witch” Canada

Best Achievement in makeup and hairstyling:
“Hitchcock”
Howard Berger, Peter Montagna and Martin Samuel
“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”
Peter Swords King, Rick Findlater and Tami Lane
“Les Misérables”
Lisa Westcott and Julie Dartnell

Best achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)
“Anna Karenina” Dario Marianelli
“Argo” Alexandre Desplat
“Life of Pi” Mychael Danna
“Lincoln” John Williams
“Skyfall” Thomas Newman

Best Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
“Before My Time” from “Chasing Ice”
Music and Lyric by J. Ralph
“Everybody Needs A Best Friend” from “Ted”
Music by Walter Murphy; Lyric by Seth MacFarlane
“Pi’s Lullaby” from “Life of Pi”
Music by Mychael Danna; Lyric by Bombay Jayashri
“Skyfall” from “Skyfall”
Music and Lyric by Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth
“Suddenly” from “Les Misérables”
Music by Claude-Michel Schönberg; Lyric by Herbert Kretzmer and Alain Boublil

Best Achievement in production design:
“Anna Karenina”
Production Design: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”
Production Design: Dan Hennah; Set Decoration: Ra Vincent and Simon Bright
“Les Misérables”
Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Anna Lynch-Robinson
“Life of Pi”
Production Design: David Gropman; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock
“Lincoln”
Production Design: Rick Carter; Set Decoration: Jim Erickson

Best animated short film:
“Adam and Dog” Minkyu Lee
“Fresh Guacamole” PES
“Head over Heels” Timothy Reckart and Fodhla Cronin O’Reilly
“Maggie Simpson in “The Longest Daycare”” David Silverman
“Paperman” John Kahrs

Best live action short film:
“Asad” Bryan Buckley and Mino Jarjoura
“Buzkashi Boys” Sam French and Ariel Nasr
“Curfew” Shawn Christensen
“Death of a Shadow (Dood van een Schaduw)” Tom Van Avermaet and Ellen De Waele
“Henry” Yan England

Best Achievement in sound editing:
“Argo” Erik Aadahl and Ethan Van der Ryn
“Django Unchained” Wylie Stateman
“Life of Pi” Eugene Gearty and Philip Stockton
“Skyfall” Per Hallberg and Karen Baker Landers
“Zero Dark Thirty” Paul N.J. Ottosson

Best Achievement in sound mixing:
“Argo”
John Reitz, Gregg Rudloff and Jose Antonio Garcia
“Les Misérables”
Andy Nelson, Mark Paterson and Simon Hayes
“Life of Pi”
Ron Bartlett, D.M. Hemphill and Drew Kunin
“Lincoln”
Andy Nelson, Gary Rydstrom and Ronald Judkins
“Skyfall”
Scott Millan, Greg P. Russell and Stuart Wilson

Best Achievement in visual effects:
“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”
Joe Letteri, Eric Saindon, David Clayton and R. Christopher White
“Life of Pi”
Bill Westenhofer, Guillaume Rocheron, Erik-Jan De Boer and Donald R. Elliott
“Marvel’s The Avengers”
Janek Sirrs, Jeff White, Guy Williams and Dan Sudick
“Prometheus”
Richard Stammers, Trevor Wood, Charley Henley and Martin Hill
“Snow White and the Huntsman”
Cedric Nicolas-Troyan, Philip Brennan, Neil Corbould and Michael Dawson

Best Adapted screenplay:
“Argo” Screenplay by Chris Terrio
“Beasts of the Southern Wild” Screenplay by Lucy Alibar & Benh Zeitlin
“Life of Pi” Screenplay by David Magee
“Lincoln” Screenplay by Tony Kushner
“Silver Linings Playbook” Screenplay by David O. Russell

Best Original screenplay:
“Amour” Written by Michael Haneke
“Django Unchained” Written by Quentin Tarantino
“Flight” Written by John Gatins
“Moonrise Kingdom” Written by Wes Anderson & Roman Coppola
“Zero Dark Thirty” Written by Mark Boal

“Breathe of fresh air in that category!” — Seth McFarlane commenting on Best Supporting Actor contenders. “The last time Austria and Germany got together and produced something, it was Hitler…but this is much better.” — McFarlane on Best Foreign Language Feature nomination of Amour. Up at 5 am. TV on, Twitter on, coffee on, both cats awake. “Millions of refrigerators across the continental United States commit suicide rather than face the wrath of @wellshwood.” — Glenn Kenny tweet.

Deadline‘s Michael Fleming is reporting that Steven Spielberg is delaying the start of Robopocalypse, the science-fiction action spectacular that was going to roll in March-April. Spielberg “isn’t dropping out of the movie” Fleming explains, “[but] he didn’t want to rush an expensive film.” I for one am glad the the Academy is liberal-minded enough not to regard Robopocalypse as Spielberg’s Norbit. The narrow view would be “what Best Picture winner goes out the morning after the Oscars and digs into a big effing robot movie?” But the Academy is better than that.

Here are my votes for tomorrow night’s Critics Choice Awards, which happens at Santa Monica’s Barker Hangar at 5 pm, and and airs at 8pm Pacific/Eastern on the CW. The whole world will be there. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle the pitch-black depression that will sink in once Lincoln starts winning, but I guess I can muddle through.

Best Picture: Zero Dark Thirty. Best Actor: Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook. Best Actress: Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook. Best Supporting Actor: Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook. Best Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables.

Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow, Zero Dark Thirty. Best Original Screenplay: Mark Boal, Zero Dark Thirty. Best Adapted Screenplay: David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook. Best Cinematography: The Master, Mihai Malaimare Jr.

Best Young Actor/Actress: Quvenzhane Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild. Best Acting Ensemble: Silver Linings Playbook.

Best Art Direction: Anna Karenina — Sarah Greenwood/Production Designer, Katie Spencer/Set Decorator. Best Editing, Zero Dark Thirty — William Goldenberg, Dylan Tichenor. Best Costume Design: Anna Karenina, Jacqueline Durran. Best Makeup: Les Miserables. Best Visual Effects: The Dark Knight Rises. Best Animated Feature: Frankenweenie.

Best Action Movie: Skyfall. Best Actor in an Action Movie: Christian Bale, The Dark Knight Rises. Best Actress in an Action Movie: Gina Carano, Haywire.

Best Comedy: Silver Linings Playbook. Best Actor in a Comedy: Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook. Best Actress in a Comedy: Jennifer Lawrence,, Silver Linings Playbook.

Best Sci-Fi/Horror Movie: Looper. Best Foreign Language Film: Amour. Best Documentary Feature: West of Memphis. Best Song: “Skyfall” – performed by Adele/written by Adele Adkins & Paul Epworth. Best Score: Argo, Alexandre Desplat.

I’m going to a BFCA pre-party this evening between 6 pm and 8 pm.

I know less and less about who I am, or who anybody else is.

I don’t even know what the CW is. I never click on it, I mean. I don’t give a shit. But it’s apparently offered by Time Warner.

Last May I speculated that Ruben Fleischer‘s Gangster Squad would be a low-grade L.A. version of Brian De Palma‘s The Untouchables. It had to bring in the under-35s, who hate yesteryear environments that aren’t familiar and video-gamey, and that meant going downmarket. On 1.4, having read Michael Cieply’s assessment of the film, I expressed concern that it might turn out “a little dumber and more primitive” than expected.

Well, I saw Gangster Squad last night and it’s primitive, all right. Primitive like a smart, well-trained ape. It’s loutish, cocky, smirking and swaggering. I brought a digital bullet-counter to the screening, and I can report that 478,446 bullets are fired in Gangster Squad. Early on some faceless stooge gets torn into two pieces and is then eaten by coyotes. And yet — this is the odd part — Fleischer’s film is half-intelligent. The first part is stupidly effective, and that always takes a little brains.

Fleischer’s pulpy, strutting direction and Will Beall‘s blunt, pared-down screenplay combine to create a hunk of mythical fantasy video-game bullshit machismo period porn, but the first act of Gangster Squad is not moronic, and for a while I was mildly entertained. It felt like it was channeling the spirit of Roger Corman‘s Machine Gun Kelly (’58) or Don Siegel‘s Baby Face Nelson (57) but with more throttle and brass-knuckles style, and with a heftier budget.

But then it gets weighed down by repetition — every decision by each and every character is flamboyant and basic and gorilla-crude — and then the standard desire to out-blast the last action shoot-em-up kicks in, and Gangster Squad just goes whacko and smacko and sluggo, and then it machine-guns itself to death.

On 1.4 I accurately speculated that “as Robert Downey, Jr.‘s version of Sherlock Holmes is to the older, more traditional versions played by Basil Rathbone, Robert Stephens or Nicol Wiliamson, Gangster Squad is to The Untouchables, Public Enemies, L.A. Confidential and Mulholland Falls.”

You know what else Gangster Squad isn’t as good as? Barry Levinson‘s Bugsy (’91). Similar period, L.A. gangsters (including Mickey Cohen), and five or six times better. I watched the first hour of this award-winning 1991 film when I got home last night. Gangster Squad is the oafish kid hanging out in the back alley who wants to be Bugsy, but he doesn’t have the right moves because he isn’t smart or assured enough.

But there are some good things in it.

Josh Brolin does a good solid job as a steady, square-jawed cop hero, Sgt. John O’Mara. Nothing miraculous but he holds his own and then some. Brolin has often been better than the material he’s working with, and is always up to the challenge.

Sean Penn‘s performance as gangster Mickey Cohen is cartoonishly venal, but at the same time darkly amusing. His behavior is so exaggerated that he’s only a couple of steps removed from Al Pacino‘s performance as Big Boy Caprice in Dick Tracy.

There’s a longish, Scorsese-styled tracking shot that follows Ryan Gosling (Brolin’s womanizing, two-fisted colleague) as he approaches Slapsy Maxie’s (5665 Wilshire Blvd, now the site of an Office Depot) and follows him through the door and into the foyer and then the main dining room, and it stays with him until he sits down and begins a conversation with a costar. A couple of minutes long, and no cuts.