How many times do I have to repeat this? Lusty old-dog celebrities who may have enjoyed sampling available fruit back in the lascivious ’70s, ’80s, ’90s and even the early aughts…these stubborn old coots have to understand that their poon days are over and done with, and if they don’t listen they’re going to be accused and prosecuted and thrown into the wolf pit. Because if they make the slightest move on anyone under the age of 50 TMZ will be chasing them around parking lots and gas stations within 48 to 72 hours. And yet they won’t listen. It’s pathetic but they just won’t.

Last Saturday (8.20) Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were re-married (following their quickie Las Vegas ceremony on 7.16) at Ben’s sprawling, semi-historic 87-acre plantation south of Savannah. Dozens of guests, catered up the wazoo, champagne on ice, no expense spared, a splendid time had by all.

All the press reports have described Ben’s spread as being either “in” Savannah or “just south” of it. In fact the Liberty County residence (which includes a 6,000 sq. ft. main house, a cottage house and a 10,000 sq. ft. guest house) is well south of Savannah, and in fact south of the Savannah suburb of Richmond Hill.

The hard truth is that Bennifer plantation is located between 35 and 40 minutes south of downtown Savannah…okay? Don’t lie about this. It’s way the hell out of town.

The luxurious spread sits on the banks of historic Blackbeard Creek — named after Blackbeard the pirate. It’s basically in the blue-collar boonies. The property isn’t that far from the moderately noisy interstate 95 and a little more than a mile south of a huge Target distribution center, and just east of Newport Timber in Riceboro.

Midway, Georgia is three or four miles to the northwest.

The home actually lies near an old settlement called Seabrook. Wikipedia says Seabrook “was originally built up chiefly by former slaves”…whoops! Couple this with Affleck’s Savannah-residing ancestor, Benjamin Cole, being a slave owner…okay, leave it there.

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HE to Larry Karaszewski: Paul Newman aside, Cool Hand Luke (‘67) was an ensemble thing, and if you ask me the six…make that seven standout supporting players are George Kennedy, Strother Martin (“failure to communicate”), the icy prison guard with the reflector shades, Jo Van Fleet, J.D. Cannon, Clifton James and Joy Harmon, the soapy blonde who was washing the car.

I know Dennis Hopper was in it but I don’t recall him saying or doing anything especially stand-outish.

I recall young Lou Antonio’s face from the film, but he didn’t have any stand-out dialogue or business that leapt to the forefront. He’s 88 and apparently in a wheelchair — hope he’s feeling okay and everything’s cool. Is there any video of your discussion? Love to listen in.

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Steven Soderbergh‘s Behind the Candelabra, which opened on 5.21.13, wounded up earning $23 million, or two million less than it cost. Not in the U.S. but Europe, where it played briefly.

According to a calculus passed along by costar Matt Damon, it would’ve cost another $25M to market it for a domestic theatrical run. Plus half the revenues (or $12.5 million) would have been pocketed by theatre owners.

This is how Damon laid it out, in any event. HBO saved the day, but without HBO the producers (Gregory Jacobs, Susan Ekins, Michael Polaire) would’ve taken a bath.

“Candelabra Counts“, posted on HE on 5.21.13: “Of all the major directors of the past 20 years, Steven Soderbergh has always seemed the least emotional. So it doesn’t sound like much to call Behind The Candelabra (HBO, 5.26) his most emotional and touching work. And I don’t mean it lightly.

“This HBO movie truly touches bottom and strikes a chord. It’s a sad (but not glum or downish), movingly performed drama about a kind of marriage that begins well and then goes south after five years.

“Richard LaGravanese‘s script is complex, fleshed-out and recognizably human at every turn, and performed with considerable feeling and vulnerability by Michael Douglas (easily the top contender right now for a Best Actor prize) and Matt Damon.”

Joe and Jane Popcorn presumably weren’t all that enthusiastic about Behind the Candelabra because they didn’t want to see a movie that was at least partly about Damon being fucked in the ass by Michael Douglas. It was about much, much more than that, of course, but Joe and Jane can be simplistic and stubborn.

Matt Damon explains why they don’t make movies like they used to. pic.twitter.com/BhWypzcsgQ

— SPENCE, TODD (@Todd_Spence) August 21, 2022

“Wokeness has permeated so deeply into the ethos of Hollywood.” — Joe Rogan on unsubstantiated suspicions that the new Game of Thrones and Amazon’s forthcoming Lord of the Rings have woked themselves up.

@hulkroganclips woke GoT [JRE-1850] #joerogan #joeroganpodcast #jre #jreclips #gameofthrones #lordoftherings #woke #hollywood #series #tvshow #podcast #amazonprime #hbo #funny ♬ Meme Song – Waveyy

It was reported yesterday that Gary “wild man” Busey, 78, is facing sex crime charges stemming from alleged groping incidents that happened earlier this month at the Monster-Mania Convention in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

“It was about contact,” Cherry Hill lieutenant Robert Scheunemann told the Philadelphia Inquirer. “It was about touching.” Three women have filed complaints.

Today video surfaced of Busey sitting on a beach in Malibu’s Point Dume Park last Saturday with his pants down. The video allegedly shows him “putting one hand down the front of his pants and looking around to make sure no one was watching before committing a lewd act” — presumably jerking off.

Two possible scenarios: (1) Busey has become a proverbial dirty old man due to dementia, and is acting in weird sexual ways because he’s unaware of what he’s doing and simply has no self-control. Or (2) he’s pulling a Vincent “Chin” Gigante move — publicly pretending to be crazy and demented in order to persuade New Jersey authorities to go easy in terms of possible disciplinary action over the Cherry Hill thing.

It’s time for Racquel Welch, now 82, to step up to the plate and explain what happened a half-century ago during the making of The Last of Sheila (’73). Is she going to let the statements of costars James Mason and Ian McShane go unchallenged, or does she have fresh information that might alter the classic narrative?

According to an 11.12.72 Chicago Tribune piece titled “Raquel Plans Suit Against Director”, there were also complaints about Welch’s behavior. Welch announced she was suing director Herbert Ross for assault and battery as a result of an incident in her dressing room. She claimed she had to flee to London during the shoot “to escape physical harm”. Warner Bros later issued a statement supporting Ross and criticizing Welch for her “public utterances”.

Excerpt: “Shooting the monastery sequence just off Cannes proved to be troublesome for Welch. Gale force winds and rain disrupted the night shoot, and Welch was reluctant to leave her Venice hotel for fear of getting stuck in the storm.”

Mason said that Welch “was the most selfish, ill-mannered, inconsiderate actress that I’ve ever had the displeasure of working with”.

McShane: “Raquel Welch isn’t the most friendly creature. She seems to set out with the impression that no one is going to like her.”

Most Zoomers haven’t a clue who these guys are; ditto a fair percentage of Millennials. The saga of the turbulent Fondas (Hank’s emotionally frosty vibes in the ‘40s, absent mom’s suicide, Jane’s constant emotional insecurity, Peter’s “I know what it’s like to be dead”) is familiar only to boomers, for the most part, and older GenXers.

I’m guessing this was taken sometime around mid ‘63, at which time Hank (58) was on screens in Spencer’s Mountain (don’t ask), Peter (23) was appearing in Tammy and the Doctor (ditto) and Jane (26) was taking bows for her starring role in the light-hearted (if barely watchable) sex comedy Sunday in New York.

Two things got my attention — one, the Kennedy-era Fondas, enveloped in obvious financial comfort, knew how to present the right kind of well-tended vibe in front of well-connected photographers, and two, Hank was still the most attractive of the three — slender, radiant eyes, ruddy complexion, broad shoulders, good taste in sporty golf shirts.

I’m relating because my family was also moderately miserable. Or I was, at least.

…when some Facebook guy asks if readers “like” a long-dead screen legend.

Earth to Facebook guy: Whether or not readers “like” Bette Davis or Errol Flynn or Cary Grant or Wallace Ford or Joanne Dru or Edna May Oliver or John Ireland is, no offense, totally and completely beside the point.

The lore and reputations of these performers were carved into eternal granite a long time ago. Due respect but nobody of any consequence gives a damn if you “like” them in a present-tense context. The question can only be “do you understand their histories within the context of their heydays and do you get what their accomplishments amounted to in the long view?” If you don’t, fine — maybe you’ll tune in down the road. Or maybe you won’t. But 2022 social media “likes”? Go away now.

Deep-sixed for posting a political cartoon? The headline doesn’t allude to Wright.